fergie's Diaryland Diary

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pig

Boy Kills 1,000-Pound Monster Pig

I'm not exactly sure what makes something newsworthy -- maybe because I don't give a shit about anything outside of myself -- but this week it has come to national attention that some kid in Alabama or something killed a big pig.

I mean a really, really big pig, like the hugest pig you've ever done seen.

What you may not have heard: An 11-year-old boy chased the giant boar around a fenced-in hunting ground for three hours, shooting it nine times with a handgun before it finally died.

I don't know, somehow that sounds less like hunting and more like animal cruelty.

A true sign of the times, this story wouldn't be complete without a website dedicated to the event. Both positive and negative comments have separate message boards.

Excerpts from my favorites are below:

"Instead of feeling proud, this boy should feel ashamed for putting an animal through three hours of suffering for no reason at all."

"I am not an active animal rights activist but I believe in compassionate killing. I hope the thought of the 3 hours of suffering you inflicted on this animal ... will haunt you for the rest of your life."

"There is something evil about anyone who would wish harm to any other human for doing something as natural as hunting for food."

"I read some of these negative comments from apparently ignorant folks (they also probably believe in the big bang and the theory of evolution), so take their comments with a grain of salt and forget it."

That last comment, from a family friend of the boy who killed the giant pig, speaks volumes! People really have the audacity to call others ignorant because of their belief in a little thing called science. When you put it in perspective, that's far more disconcerting than the brutal slaying of an animal.

Alls well that ends well?
The pig's meat is being made into sausages and donated to local churches. I mean, perhaps in an ideal world nobody would ever have to kill anything and we could all live off soy protein or whatever, but that's just not reality. The thing is already dead, might was well make the best out of the situation.

12:21 p.m. - May. 30, 2007

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passport

Memorial Day Weekend can be summed up as follows:

New haircut! Shopping spree! Sunbathing! Pool party! BBQ! Passport!

Passport?

Yes, passport. It may have been the most exciting part of the long weekend. Not really. It was a happy time though, because it meant I was done standing in line for hours on end waiting to get my passport.

This was after having already logged several hours on the phone just to book an appointment. As ever, the automated phone service left a great deal to be desired in terms of convenience and efficiency. Although I had to procure a scheduled appointment time, it wasn't so much an appointment -- but rather a receipt of confirmation that I'd be allowed to stand in queue. I only realized this once I arrived for my so-called appointment and was directed to the back of a line the length of the entire federal building.

Once I'd finally gotten through the line, I reconfirmed at the little window that I'd brought the materials they asked for (birth certificate, etc.) and was handed a ticket with a number and told to wait until my number was called. I lost sense of all time and space after that. All I know is they finally took my application and of course demanded payment for the so-called expedited service. At that point I would have paid any amount they asked just to get the hell out of there.

Even though it consumed several sold blocks of time out of my week, I finally had my passport in hand by mid-afternoon Friday. There was an immediate sense of relief, as I'm leaving the country Thursday. I will likely return, but until then I'm not making any promises.

1:29 p.m. - May. 29, 2007

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rubberbandits

Rubber Bandits

Love for Uranus: Venus, the planet of love, is in harmony with Uranus.

Now that's a good omen for the weekend if ever there was one.

Yah, I know! I'm like so mature and stuff.

Butt speaking of Uranus, the following all points bulletin -- and surveillance photo -- does beg the question: How gay is it for two guys to shoplift condoms? Like on a scale of 1-10.

A) 11

Because if you're out with your buddy and the two of you decide you need a box of condoms, I'm betting that somebody gonna get poked in the pooper.

Maybe they're planning to pick up some hookers? Orgy? Either way, the smiling doofus with the long hair is the bottom. For sure. The guy with the condoms is definitely very serious about the situation at hand. That's the stern look of a rough top before a marathon ass-pounding session. I'm getting a little too excited by this scenario.

Unfortunately, the video surveillance wasn't able to follow them to the backseat of their car. Dammit to hell!

Does it sound creepy for someone my age to talk about butt-banging teenagers? I mean these kids are probably half my age. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind watching. Appropriate or not, my goal in life is to become a dirty old man. Looks like I'm almost there.

Random video: crump the cheerleader, crump the world

10:36 a.m. - May. 25, 2007

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plague

The plague is here to stay

A Denver Zoo monkey has died of bubonic plague, apparently after eating a squirrel stricken with the disease, Colorado health and zoo officials said Monday. (CNN)

Bubonic plague, seriously.

According to the AP: The plague is common in Colorado during this time of year, but it usually occurs in rural parts of the state.

In fact, this map shows that about half the United States contains regions where the plague is still commonly found in animals. Well, dead ones.

Guess you really can learn something new everyday, even when you're a freaking genius. Like, for example, that monkeys eat squirrels. News to me.

12:50 p.m. - May. 22, 2007

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random

This morning I had the best breakfast sandwich ever -- in the history of ever -- from Wild Oats Caf� on Melrose. Melted cheese on top of eggs, tomato and onion (which I picked off because although I like the taste of onion, actually eating them upsets my tummy), sandwiched in between a warm, buttery, fluffy croissant.

OMG it was so good I almost rubbed it on my genitals for sexual gratification. But then I didn't, out of fear it would ruin sex forever. Because it was that good. My mouth pleasure was so intense; I contemplated getting off with food, for what would be the first time ever I swear. Still, there are some lines you just don't want to cross. My bedroom practices are deviant enough as it is.
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Bringing Link Lust Back: Now with 25% more random links!
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Today the New York Daily News ran a picture of "the two Fergie's" -- the Dutchess of York and Stacy Ferguson from the Black Eyed Peas -- at a concert benefiting UNICEF.

My uber cool coworker Niki correctly surmised that I'd been unfairly excluded. Nobody asks me to go to benefit concerts, and I'm the prettiest one in the "Fergie" bunch!

Photographic evidence is below:

11:28 a.m. - May. 18, 2007

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babyboom

This clip is making the viral-video rounds, and even if you've already seen it, the next 17 seconds are pure entertainment worth watching over and over again. It's all fun and games until somebody's baby get's dropkicked. Then it's just funny.

I know that deriving laugh-out-loud pleasure from the pain of others is mean spirited and evil. I just don't care.

Anyways, baby bones are green or whatever and they bounce right back after trauma -- this video is proof!


8:29 a.m. - May. 17, 2007

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dead

Jerry Falwell is dead.

"How will I know whom to hate, and on which group the good Lord is taking revenge with his hurricanes, floods and fires?"
--PeeJay

12:30 p.m. - May. 15, 2007

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groggy

Last night the Monster's of Rock invaded my sleep. I woke up this morning with 'Up All Night, Sleep All Day' rocking my skull. I do not know why, it's not that great of a song and certainly isn't one of my favorite hair band anthems. The only thing I'm left to wonder is why the music director in my head picks songs I don't like as the soundtrack to my dreams. I do wish I could sleep all day -- especially because I get up for work when it's still dark -- so maybe that's where the whole subconscious desire things works it's way into a musical format. At least it's not show tunes or something worse, like what I won't mention out of fear of potential subliminal sabotage. The only reason 'Up All Night' got stuck in my brain-dangle, I'm sure, is because I watch entirely too much Comedy Central and they play the commercial all the damn time.

Stumbling around and still half asleep, I was completely out of it and poured kitty's food in her water bowl. I was all like ... DAMN ... not what I need at 5AM in my underwear all chilly and having to pee really bad.

Meanwhile, here at work, every once in awhile I get the slightest whiff of B.O. and now I'm paranoid that I stink. I've smelled my shirt and tucked my head into my pits to double check. It ain't me. So now I'm just kind of grossed out.

I really can't wait for this Monday to be over.

11:35 a.m. - May. 14, 2007

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jebus

I received this e-mail from mySpace user BROOKE-TINI

[God] loves you...do you ever feel like you're searching for something in guys that and you never find what you're looking for? I think you know what I mean... you just feel empty? I'm not a Bible beater by any means...i just came across your page and felt compelled to send you a message. I'm not judging you or being some hypocritical jerk...sorry if i offended you in anyway!!


My reply:

No, I do not know what you mean. I don't take offense, but you are totally off the mark in assuming that I feel empty in some way or am not satisfied in my relationships.

It appears you also assume I do not believe in God or subscribe to a higher power. You would be mistaken if this is the case.

I have a wonderful life and am truly happy with who I am. I try to let others live without making assumptions about them, and suggest you take up the habit.

10:26 a.m. - May. 08, 2007

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MAY-07

Quattro de Mayo

Whoa, lookout kids! It's that crazy time of year again when a bunch of white people celebrate the spirit of Mexico by misinterpreting historic events* and getting shitfaced.

You know I'm on it -- I've got the Patr�ne corked and ready -- so let's get the party started!

What's that, dear reader? You say it's Cinco de Mayo, and the celebration stars tomorrow? Fuck you, buddy! Everybody knows the only way to physically prepare for a day of tequila mixed with beer is to start drinking the night before.

If that doesn't make sense, take a few shots and catch up to my intoxicated intellectuality. The logic becomes perfectly clear as soon as you start seeing double.


*-A common misconception is that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's Independence Day, which is celebrated on September 16th ("Dieciseis de septiembre")

12:30 p.m. - May. 04, 2007

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