fergie's Diaryland Diary
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hair-spray-glue
As every good gay boy knows, you bend at the waist and turn upside down for the final holding mist of hair spray. I'm not exactly sure why generations of people have used this technique, but it gives me a good head rush so it's worth it.
Last night, after applying a nice southern california wind resistant guard to my perfectly tousled hair, I stood back up and realized my sox were stuck to the floor. I�d shellacked my feet to the carpet with hair spray. The best solution was to step out of them.
There they sit, right in front of the sink, as though someone was looking in the mirror and suddenly vaporized. I'm leaving them there as an artistic statement on vanity.
8:18 p.m. - Jun. 29, 2003
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a little venom
Yet the venom still runs cold and thick through my black heart.
It�s not altogether rare that I�m solicited on sites where I have an online profile, such as such as faceparty for friendster. It�s a basic concept, randomly meeting people who have similar interests or mutual friends. Generally people are polite and have something interesting to say, or ask a question. It�s the entire purpose of the site. Most of you reading this have probably encountered this in some form or fashion for yourselves, on any number of sites designed to get online personalities to interact with one another and build a web community.
Some people use this community as a lone, desperate, howl for a mate across the wires. They search for love high and low, and rather than try to make contact on a one on one level, they send a bulk email to everyone who has a match to them in some way, where they call out in the dark for someone to find them and love them and blah blah blah. So, here they�ve already made first contact, and have abused it and twisted it and instead of actually making a connection with anyone on their mass mail list, they�re asking us to do the work. Recently, this mess appeared in my inbox:
�If you are out there, between 25-35, atheletic,) and look/act like a normal guy (no queenies, effemiate sissies, `out-loud-and-proud` type), then drop me a e-mail.
Looking for manly, atheletic and mature guy who can sweep me off my feet, who can offer me his shoulder to cry on, and who is sincere and keen to listen to my troubles. Someone who is understanding, and knows what he wants in life. A professional or executive.�
Oh whatever, sissy boy. Someone to offer you his strong shoulder to cry on? Perhaps the reason your ads squeals �co-dependent bottom boy� is because you make sure to try and eliminate the possibility that your potential lover will be �effeminate,� least there be any confusion, right girlfriend? Take note that I spelled effeminate correctly. Not wanting an �out-loud-and-proud type� also gives me the impression that both of you are supposed to live in the closet, even though everyone and their grandmother knows about your pansy ass already. When they see some butch looking fruit wearing an A&F tee they�ll put the two together, sister. Any professional or executive who knows what he wants would clearly choose to respond to another ad, least he be burdened with monetarily and emotionally supporting some closet case idiot such as yourself.
Obviously I wouldn't send something like that, least I make contact with the person who sent it on any level. Best to delet and block sender. G-d I love the internet.
7:43 p.m. - Jun. 28, 2003
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just doing my job
I know you're just doing your job.
This morning I received a phone call from my insurance company, asking if they could speak with me for a few minutes to verify some information. It�s 9a.m. on a Friday morning and I�m off until Sunday. I asked why they couldn�t just send me something in the mail so I could fill it out and mail it back to them because I would like to go back to sleep. She replied that the information they needed to verify was my address.
I informed her that they send me a bill every single month. They have sent a bill to the same address for the past two years and that when I pay the bill the exact same address appears on my check.
"I know," I sighed. "You�re just doing your job." I calmly went on, "So, you know, just tell your manager that I was extremely upset at being woken to verify information your company has had on file for over two years. You can add that I screamed and yelled or something, and maybe I threatned to change my car insurance to a more competent provider that didn�t harass it�s customers in the early morning out of stupidity. Ok? And you have a great day."
"Thanks," she said honestly, though sounding a little surprised. "You too." She added, with the warmth of a smile in her tone.
"Thank you, I will." I replied, as I hung the phone up, rolled over and went back to sleep.
6:06 p.m. - Jun. 27, 2003
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Seeing people hurt themselves makes me laugh
Seeing people hurt themselves makes me laugh.
One time, on a date at a trendy Thai restaurant, an old man fell off a small lift in the decorative floor, wildly flailing his arms, running down a small ramp before crashing into table and slowly walking away, limping. I could no longer hold my laughter and snickered a small, evil laugh to my date�s look of utter horror. Suffice it to say he never called again.
1:23 p.m. - Jun. 26, 2003
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Quoted
"I don�t think customer service representatives (formerly called operators) are to blame too much for their attitude when you finally do get through, because they�ve been given a really long, important sounding title and the power to throw you back to the automated system at the press of a button. A little bit of control coupled with a long appellation gives an inflated sense of importance. I�ve also thought that they may be frustrated being alone with no one but the automated voice to talk to, so I think their mood would lighten up if it was gone. But, perhaps they should also get some perspective, because answering the phone is a really easy job."
-fergie
6-26-01
5:25 a.m. - Jun. 26, 2003
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pause for thought
Pause for thought. A quasi-response to Lorster
Who Killed Customer Service?
I have a theory on just about everything, and it goes something like "follow the money." Our class system has become much more obvious, even over the past ten years, and those who don�t have money or status are allowed to be obviously shit upon.
It started with the idea to categorize consumers into groups, to target them and provide services based upon the potential return to the company. At most institutions, only "VIP" members enjoy the best services or little hassle, along with complimentary items and incentives regular/average/working class members never even know about.
This trend became clear to me when I finally started making real money (i.e. no longer living check to check with the ability to build a savings nest and develop a diversified stock portfolio). The thing I continued to be conscious of was how much free stuff I could get, a trick the poor quickly forget for some reason when they move to a higher income bracket. With banks, phone companies, and especially internet sites, I noticed customer service was something that really came up short when you had basic services, and fucking forget about having an HMO plan.
For many online stores, this trend was easy to continue, even if they were fortune 500 companies with a web component. It was faster and quickly became the standard to have an automated response to a customer service question, even over the phone. This was by far a cheaper method as well.
Perhaps the idea that you only have to be nice to those who can do something for you finally caught on. The message was clear and the majority responded with an offensive attitude. Why bother being polite to some stupid customer service representative who doesn�t even say hello before asking you to verify your account ID and password, mother�s maiden name, and home phone number; all of which you have spent the last ten minutes doing on the automated system?
That�s what I�d like to think, anyway.
I�d like to think people are inherently good and that they will do the right thing. I like to believe that everyone can change, given a chance, and that together we can all make this world a better place. Then I wake up from the dream, and realize that nothing I do is going to make people any smarter or more aware of the big picture unless they are already on the path themselves.
So, the death of polite society may be attributed to disenchantment with capitalism, but what about a culture that allows a cut throat market to determine its disposition? It comes down to each of us, individually, to be aware, to challenge ourselves, to question that we are doing the right thing. No one is going to hold your hand and do it for you, and if you don�t care enough to think beyond yourself, then your entire existence has been a complete waste of your own pathetic insecure head trip. You will die alone, and no one will miss you.
Difficult as it may seem, taking the higher road (one I often miss myself) is the only course of action that doesn�t make you look like just as much of an ass-hole as the other person. Usually I falter in this idea and find some clever way to very politely insult someone who's being rude to me. I�m working on it. Still, I try to put my best foot forward and say thank you, even at the drive-through at Jack �N the Box, so if you�re going to give me attitude then please just fuck off.
5:25 p.m. - Jun. 25, 2003
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JUNE 2003
What would we do without friends?
To: fergie
From: weho_slut
So, I got to hear all about how great a guy you are this weekend. The guy I introduced you to the other night just blabbed on and on about your tired old ass. I finally told him that you were actually a mean bastard and I really hated you.
2:48 p.m. - Jun. 24, 2003
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gay bear, moi?
Who would have fucking guessed I'm gay bear?!?
Out of stoner bear, hooligan bear, bondage bear, and tramp bear, this hardly seems like the most obvious choice.
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
4:20 a.m. - Jun. 21, 2003
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i'm on fire!! cum put me out.
The remodeling continues.
Over the past week and a half, every single stairway in my apartment complex has been blocked by yellow "caution" tape, as they are apparently repainting each individual pole on the handrail with a toothpick. Every time someone tears the tape down, more and more tape is put up, in conjunction with other obstacles such as shopping carts that have been left in the stairwell (very common in L.A.), painting materials, etc.
Our apartment manager is a bitch, so today I called the fire marshal.
Not ten minutes later, a fire truck pulls up in front of the building, four men in blue jump out and spread out over the complex. It was so dramatic. One thing I�ve learned from my father, who�s in law enforcement, is that men in uniform don�t act casual in the call of duty. Even so, it never fails to surprise me to see them in action.
Since I was the one that had alerted them, I felt the responsible thing to do was greet the officers and point out where the stairs were, how they'd been blocked, and voice my concerns; rather than hide like some pussy in my apartment after causing such a scene. Several other tenants had come out of their apartments to see what was going on, and although it seemed rather over the top, I figured the least I could do was own up to my actions. So, I ventured out into the halls to catch up with them.
Just as I started to feel stupid and began to contemplate running back to my apartment to hide like a pussy, fire marshal Hottie McHottie comes down my hallway, asking if I�m the one that called them in. I quickly forgot about my slight embarrassment for being such a drama queen and confirmed I had placed the call. The man was pure sex on legs. He stood just under six feet tall with a solid, lean build and a butt for days. His short, dark blond hair was a grown out military cut, complete with a clean shaven square jaw and soft brown eyes. Y-U-M. Out of his fire suit he looked more like a police officer, but he was all man. Fire man, that is. No reason to be embarrassed, I was in love!
I proceeded to take him on a private tour of the building, making sure to point out where my apartment was and how my exit to the street was blocked. I actually managed to get him back into my apartment to discuss my concerns and how to handle issues like this in the future. He thanked me for calling and showing concern for fire safety. With his colleges approaching in the hall, he made his way back to the stairwell and promised to call the bitch manager and give her a little talk. I stood at the top of the stairs as he descended, and he turned just about head to crotch level to say goodbye. That was about all I could take and started to pop a boner right then and there. He smiled and left, but, just in case I needed to follow up with him, I got his name and number.
He may have to come back later today, because I think there�s a fire in my pants.
3:03 p.m. - Jun. 20, 2003
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the good fight
Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I�m gay is because I like the fight. There are so many people struggling very hard just to accept themselves. I too, used to grapple with my identity.
If by being out, if by being proud of who I am, if by not taking any shit for those things makes me a source of encouragement, then there is no other option than to be strong.
I don�t let anybody push me around, and I seriously believe that the more I speak out, the more I move forward, that people will just have to follow my lead on this. They too will act more confidant and fight against prejudice. Others, and by others I mean the straight majority of the population, takes heart in our community when they connect with the things we have to say. It�s happening more and more all over the world. People just accepting each other. It�s worth the struggle because things are changing.
To know that someone else out there has actually picked up on this, yes even if only one person says it, I swear I�ve done my job. I know I�m fighting the good fight. You didn�t think I�d use my powers for evil, did you?
That�s only if you get in my way.
9:09 p.m. - Jun. 18, 2003
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see you there :)
Ok, so even my grandma knew Richard Chamberlin was gay, but who would have guessed Jesus has been hiding in the closet all these years? Maybe that�s why the religious right is so defiant about homosexuality.
This theory really explains the masochistic and homoerotic undertones of an almost fully nude Christ on the cross.
Just as a warning, you may be committing some kind of sin even contemplating this. Then again, if you read my weblog you're probably already going to hell.
8:28 p.m. - Jun. 15, 2003
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spike IM
Spike:
"Life is like an old Atari game..." You sure do come up with some deep, pretty shit
fergie:
I�m so comfortable with my level of crazy, I just throw it out there now
Spike
lol...love it. yeah me too, and all my other neuroses
fergie:
i've completely accepted it. so much cheaper than therapy
Spike:
totally. I just do whatever the little voices tell me to do
7:37 p.m. - Jun. 12, 2003
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thx
I wanted to thank my sista Ernie for the "fuck that brown noise" line, his not mine. That bitch is always cracking me up. One is lucky when they have such true friends. My, the stories I could tell. In truth, I don�t remember half of them because I was laughing so hard I lost oxygen to my brain.
hahaha! oh my g-d what was so funny?
I also wanted to thank Lorster for his kind words about the "space cowboy" entry. It actually made me tear up a little. Don�t tell anyone.
2:42 a.m. - Jun. 12, 2003
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Yee-haw! Space Cowboy
Yee-haw! Space Cowboy
In a hundred years none of this will matter anyway, so what's the big deal? Insert-whatever-your-drama-is-here, and realize that no matter what it is, it�s not going to throw the universe out of whack.
So, get over it.
I've been feeling a little down on myself these days, and I need to tell myself these things. It's so easy to do, and I always forget how quickly it takes over.
Doubt creeps up on people slowly, eventually covering every move with hesitation. When things don't go right, it's doubt in ourselves that makes us think everything is ruined, life is over, and it would be better to die, quickly. We forget, we doubt that it's possible to make it past something that hasn't gone our way. Of course we've all done it, but it's easier to doubt.
Well, fuck that brown noise. It's not the end of the road. Improvise and take a different path. I remember, once as a child, I told my father I was upset because things "didn't go according to plan." It was the first time he ever laughed at me out of pity.
Whatever it is, you probably won't have planned for it. Make a new plan. Over and over again, until you die. Life is, more or less, one of those retro Atari games that never ends, like Space Invaders. You don't "win" because each new level is the same thing, only this time much faster, with more shit coming at you and less to hide behind.
Not such a big deal. Just see how many points you can score, and go for as long as you can. If things go wrong the game doesn't explode, you just start again with a new life.
And here too, on earth, we must remember not all goes well all the time, but it's not the end of the game. Start over. New plan. Keep fighting.
9:49 p.m. - Jun. 10, 2003
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Fo'cheezy
Fo'cheezy! That�s my gangsta slang for extra cheese. Like, my pizza was fo'cheezy. Maybe the term was inspired by watching the MTV music awards non-stop all weekend, in which targeted advertisements for the new line up, such as Snoop Dogg�s new "Televizzle" show, were woven into the script.
Personally, I like playing "rate the drunkest celebrity," and "how cute is Sean Scott whatever his name is?" while seeing how many times I can count the chick from that pseudo-group T.A.T.U. is completely off time with her vocal track. Basically every time she�s on camera, which they spared her complete humiliation by zooming around and cutting away from both of them for almost the entire performance, as they were obstructed by about three hundred girls stripping into their underwear. Dear lord, it�s the Russian faux lesbian version of Milli Vanilli. That is fo'cheezy.
See, it works on two levels.
12:39 p.m. - Jun. 09, 2003
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And here I thought I was vanilla
|
12:35 p.m. - Jun. 09, 2003
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Huntington quote
"The West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact, non-Westerners never do."
- Samuel P. Huntington
7:47 p.m. - Jun. 07, 2003
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And yet still so far to go
And yet still so far to go...
Today in the news:
A Baptist church in Nashville is losing its membership in the Tennessee Baptist Convention because its only full-time minister, April Baker, is a lesbian.
"This was a very hard decision for us," said Tennessee Baptist Convention President Laurann Whetham. "But when it became evident that the church leadership was a lesbian who according to our Bible has a sinful lifestyle, the church's choice of leadership does not fit with our faith and practice. We had to do something."
Really, Ms. Whetham? If there were really concerns, then perhaps she should have taken the issue up at their state convention, rather than quickly and quietly taking action. If it was really so difficult, then maybe the issue was worth "making a big deal of," which Ms. Bible-Beater makes a foolish attempt to say she was trying to avoid by taking action "in a compassionate, cordial and respectful manner," thus separating the church from the convention immediately. It must take a real saint to perpetuate hatred, bigotry, and prejudice under the guise of compassion and respect.
And, what about preachers who cheat on their wives and get divorced, do drugs, or gamble? Those "sinful lifestyles" go unpunished and unchallenged. Why are only certain so called "sins" viewed as something that may lead to bad membership? If almost all other "sins" can be forgiven, why is the gay issue such a stronghold for the religious right? Can�t you just say you think it�s wrong and that you don�t agree with it, and then ignore it like you do everything else? Just what is the deal?
This is common in almost every organized religion, with the exception of many eastern philosophies, which generally focus on state of mind and greater awareness rather than make any attempt to dictate every action one takes. I can�t seem to wrap my head around it. Pastors, leaders of the church, people who influence their congregation and community, are the main proponents of anti-gay sentiments.
It�s just ill.
9:59 p.m. - Jun. 05, 2003
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My grandmother is cooler than I am
My grandmother is cooler than I am
You didn't know Richard Chamberlain was gay? Even though he didn�t "come out," it wasn't a very well kept secret. But, I think it's a miracle when anyone can maintain a relationship for that long!
- Grandma fergie
Guess I missed the boat with the Chamberlain party. Usually "the gays" try to claim anyone without five kids by different women, several divorces, a super model/playmate girlfriend, interactions with the police, and a rock band behind them. Even so, I never heard any rumors. I've got to get my ear closer to the street.
9:21 p.m. - Jun. 04, 2003
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Score one for the gays
So not only is Richard Chamberlain gay, he's been in a relationship with the same man longer than I've been alive! Too bad, as I started to read the article I thought he and Ian McKellen would make a cute couple.
2:39 p.m. - Jun. 03, 2003
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when will you die
Yee-haw, this is the best online quiz ever:
Young. Really young. I'd say anywhere from 15-35.
But you'll go out with a bang. You'll get in a
car accident or be shot. You'll never have to
see yourself get old. Sad though. Really sad.
By the way, its common knowledge that more
people with great goals and aspirations die
young. And if you want to die old, you'll die
young and vice versa.
At what age will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla
6:23 p.m. - Jun. 01, 2003
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summer kick off
You know it's a good party when this is posted by the host on your friendster bulletin board:
"Thanks to all who made my birthday such a fantastic and memorable event! What a way to grow a year older!
For those who aren't on Patrick's Friendster list, we have some articles of clothing which were left behind, so if you think you forgot or lost something, let us know. Also, if you accidentally put an article of clothing on which wasn't yours, please return it to us. Like I said, it was trly memorable!"
- M.
That really says it all, and I didn't have to alter the message in any way. Naked pool parties are super-fun. I suggest you have one this summer, as soon as possible.
6:06 p.m. - Jun. 01, 2003
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