fergie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Aries secret An Aries Secret Decoding the zodiac is subjective. One can only guess at the other signs. Today, my Aries horoscope reveals two things. 1) Whenever the Moon and Pluto get together, your secrets are safe. This goes for everyone. Just keep in mind that the only secrets worth having are ones worth telling. It�s good to know that secrets are being kept at this time, so if one needs to be told, this is the green light. Know that whatever you decide to share may only remain confidential for a limited time. All mysteries are revealed eventually. 2) You can get away with what you need to do if you just look like you are supposed to be doing it. Now this is a real secret of a ram. We are led by passion of conviction, many times without reason. If you�re a true Aries by nature, you�ve already adopted this as part of your approach to life. Act swiftly, show confidence, and no one will question you. If you take a headstrong lead like you know what you�re doing, others will likely follow you off a cliff. 7:21 p.m. - Jul. 28, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- rear entertainment system I know I�ve bitched about this before, but there seems to be a new and even bigger breed of Godzilla SUVs on the road. They�re out of control! There�s one that actually compares the ride to being inside a moving house. Bigger doesn�t mean safer, either. Wait until everything that�s piled up inside that monster flies around in an accident. One would think, just considering present gas prices, that maybe a smaller, even electric-hybrid car would be in vogue? I mean, come on. Save on gas, drive a little nurf car, everyone is safe. Instead, manufactures are creating gas-guzzling behemoths to drive over each other. When will these geezers get with it? I did see a commercial for one of these giant new models that advertised it�s "Rear Entertainment System." I chortled an evil giggle. I guess I use that phrase a little differently. You know, like, "he has a great rear entertainment system." 8:55 p.m. - Jul. 26, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- homebody It ends where it begins. Closure is important to any event or relationship. No story would be complete without it. Sometimes in life, the final chapter is not so clearly laid out, and we have to draw our own conclusions. Last night, after having lunch by the pool @ ranchonoho, I�d made plans to go to (yech) after-hours. This was to see an ex of mine for the last time, before he moved to Kalamazoo. He never called. It was also the final night of the club, soon to be replaced & forgotten. Oh well, I didn�t really feel like going out anyway. 2:24 p.m. - Jul. 25, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- blast! It�s really hard to quit smoking. The idea has been on my brain for the better part of two years, but I�ve made little to no actual effort towards quitting the drug nicotine. I need it. Just thinking about it is starting to make me Jones. Truth is, it�s been several hours since my last smoke, and I really hadn�t thought about it until now. My subconscious desire has taken over my brain, how sick! My stack is out, and I refuse to walk to the store. Not to mention I spent the day in bed because of a potential strep throat. The whore won�t be home for an hour or so, so I can�t pinch one of his throat cooling Camel Jades. Blast! 5:10 p.m. - Jul. 23, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- beauty time Tonight I was going to write a little tale about life in a small town, inspired by Lorster's entry earlier today, but I'm too tired to think. Maybe tomorrow. I just bought a clinical skin care set by PeterThomasRoth which includes a strawberry scrub and a cucumber gel masque, among a set of ten other fabulous items. It's beauty time. 10:30 p.m. - Jul. 22, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dammit! "Three wrongs don't make a right either???? DAMMIT!" 10:29 a.m. - Jul. 21, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fan mail From: davey faking a sprained ankle and putting your hand on someone's car hood because they "cut you off"? calling a woman a "bitch" because she made a 3-point u-turn? throwing coins at an elderly man's windshield because you think he ran over your foot? then stopping traffic to pick up the coins? Ummmm....your age? 5 years old? 10 years old? surely no older than that. do you realize how you sound? so you're mr. perfect and have never "cut someone off"? or made a 3-point u-turn? you got some growing up to do, young man. one day you'll fuck with the wrong person and either get the shit beat out of you or someone will shoot you. don't cry foul when that happens.
From: Fergie Hi Davey, you must be new. My blog uses sarcasm, jokes and laughs at other people�s expense, but usually my own. While I have made errors behind the wheel, saying that "nobody�s perfect" is hardly an excuse for vehicular manslaughter. Let me explain the post for you, although it will not be as funny. The theme for the entry was being inconsiderate. I showed three examples of rude driving behavior, and countered with equally rude responses to that behavior. It is ironic that I would write an entry about other people being rude, only to end up being ten times as rude as they were in the first place. Insert laughter here. The bigger jerk wins, but he's still a jerk. The other side of the coin, so to speak, is that I�m the bitch that shouldn�t be messed with. You see, pedestrians have the right of way. The only people I�m "fucking with" -even in jest- are those who have it coming to them. Drive like an ass and expect retaliation. I must point out, though, that beating the shit out of someone or SHOOTING THEM for walking slowly in front of your car because you almost hit said person, does indeed make you an even bigger asshole than I am. Two wrongs don't make a right, and neither do three. Have a great day. 8:14 a.m. - Jul. 20, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sometimes it hurts to be right Speaking of vehicular manslaughter.. Another incident popped in my head today when I was at the gym. It may have been the day "Fergie" was born, and it�s even 100% true. You see, I was a mild mannered princess when I arrived in Hollywood. Over the years I�ve created my domain and have become a respected queen, but this was before. Before I found my inner warrior. Oh sure, I knew how to fight; you can believe Papa Fergie saw to that. This was different. I managed a retail shop on Melrose, a fashion-sensible move on my part, all the style at a third of the price with money in my pocket. Feeling my fabulous self on my way to work one morning, I crossed the street with my usual jamba and shoulder At that exact instant, like his hand had been hovering over the horn, the bastard waiting for the light honked at me. Honked. I took this in two ways. 1) As stated, I�d been storm trooping that cross(cat)walk, and was clearly making the effort SO FUCKING WAIT 3 SECONDS ASS-HOLE ..and.. 2) It was a personal affront. I was dressed nicely, morning nourish in my hand, I spun and stood my ground, head on with his car. I flipped him off and told him to fuck himself. Then I have that little glare to show him I wasn�t going to run off, and strutted my shit to the curb. But then I remembered that�s not the right story. I never would have had the balls to face off with someone behind the wheel of a car if I hadn�t already been run over by one. Well, not actually run over, more like backed into. Walking through a parking lot with my groceries in hand, some dude hit me. I mean he plain shifted and slammed into reverse. Then, after he'd hit me with his car, he got out and yelled at me for "banging on his shit." This was a large man. You know, there are just times when you�re right. "Oh, I�m sorry," I hissed, "that was my ARM and my LEG when you RAN INTO ME!! Next time I�ll just LIE FLAT so you can get a clean roll over and be on your way! Excuse the hell out of me for walking to my car..!" I said this last part as I quickly walked away, eyes on him as he got back into his shit. There, in the parking lot, something moved outside and took over. Shaking, I became one with the bigger asshole than any other asshole on this planet because I�m fucking right. Yes I slammed my bag into his taillight when his rear end hit my elbow; it was both reflex and wishful thinking. No it didn�t break, and neither did anything on me, thank you. I did have a small bruise. Sometimes it hurts to be right. 10:55 p.m. - Jul. 19, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bullseye Bullseye I was almost run over three times on my walk to the little corner store at the end of the block. LA drivers are fucking oblivious. With so much time behind the wheel, they become completely unaware of everything around them. Lord forbid you should you should walk in LA. Nobody does that, and for a very good reason. There's even a song about the lack of walking in LA. Still, at $3.75 a gallon, I�m not wasting precious petrol to have driver take me half a block down the street. As I stepped out of my gated complex, another resident pulled into the drive and blocked my walkway. It was annoying and rude, but since the he hadn�t bothered to look before he made the turn, it was obvious that he didn't even see me until he was in my way. The idiot then continued to obstruct my path as he waited for the garage door to open. Before he could pull in, I walked very slowly in front of his car instead of going around. Halfway across, I acted like I�d sprained my ankle and hobbled the rest of the way with my hand on his hood. Crossing a small residential street as I continued on my short journey, another car came thisclose to clipping me as the moron bitch driver proceeded to maneuver a three-point turn in the middle of the intersection with her SUV. I wasn�t going anywhere near that crazy bitch, she hit three parked cars and didn't even stop talking on her cell. After making it to the store unscathed, some oldfentimer turning right on red damn near ran over my foot. With the change from my purchase still in hand, I casually tossed it at the old bastard�s rear window. Did you know thirty-seven cents sounds like a ton of gravel when it hits against a speeding windshield? Judging by the slamming of brakes, you�d swear the old man hadn't been paying attention and hit something. Again. Then I stopped traffic to pick up my change. I�ve learned that if you act like you�re crazy, people are too chicken shit to challenge you. Show no sign of coherent thought, and everyone will get back into their vehicles. Also, if you're quick about it, you�ll have left the scene long before LAPD arrives. In conclusion, I�d like to apologize to any drivers that were delayed in the Palms area by the crazy homosexual throwing change at oncoming traffic. 9:19 p.m. - Jul. 15, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- popular My roommate clarified our living situation tonight while he was on the phone with one of his tricks, "No, this is not a whorehouse, it�s two whores that live in the same house." I�m not a whore. I�m just popular. 12:21 a.m. - Jul. 13, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- itch This morning a slight miscalculation in my maintenance routine with the electric razor left me completely bald down there. My trimmer was set a little too low and carved out a pubic rainbow above my flagpole. Naturally, I opted to shave everything. It itches like hell. 5:51 p.m. - Jul. 12, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh no she d-eh-iiint! ADDITION Oh no she didn�t � (Ohnoshe d-eh-iiint) 11:23 p.m. - Jul. 11, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ass change-maker This morning when I woke up I found two quarters and a nickel in my bed, deep under the covers. I wouldn't have found them except for the cool sensation of metal against the skin of my thigh. I'm not sure what my ass might be making change for, but I'm going to take a little nap to see if I can come up with some laundry money. 2:32 p.m. - Jul. 11, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- typical Go Home, it's Friday I had a typical Friday, getting in around noon to about 220-emails. Spike was online, so we had a little chat as strapped myself to the desk with the phone headset. It's more for appearance than function. I made the mistake of actually taking a call once, and the following conversation transpired: ** I just feel like that�s a little too personal, even working for a condom retailer. Try to have a little class, ok? Spike�s still in P-Town, clearly missing the spread of LA. ** Fergie: same Spike: today is my off day, laundry, gym.. What are you up to? Fergie: just got into the office (if he was here, we could have gone to lunch) Spike: I miss you, This place is too small of a town Fergie: aww.. should I get the jet fueled up? Spike: hell yeah, save me! in just a few weeks I have already met everyone in the town Fergie: I thought that might happen Spike: there is at least a steady stream of guys every weekend, but that's it, only for the weekend. What's funny is I'm doing this show.. everyone in town is like "that's [Spike], one of the Naked Boys" and I can get ass anytime I want, only now I don't want it. Isn't life a bitch Fergie: everyone will want you even more! you can torture the entire town!! ahhHAHAHAHA Spike: yeah actually it is kind of fun.. oh, have you ever experimented with ball stretchers? I got a couple before I left LA.. they are FUN! Fergie: i don't want balls to my knees when i'm old Meanwhile, I kept yelling "Go Home, It's Friday!" to everyone that passed by my new desk. I�m getting a nameplate that says �Wes Ferguson ~ Sexpert� I think I can now add �go home..� to my growing list of summer catchphrases, since everyone�s sick of it already. 7:08 p.m. - Jul. 09, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jul. 04 FREEDOM I've decided to let my kitchen project go for a while. I'd hoped to paint it several weeks ago, even doing prep work for the job. Instead, I'm going to leave my materials spread out all over the place. Any visitors will come to the obvious conclusion that I'm in the middle of something, and I'll have an excuse for not cleaning. 2:19 a.m. - Jul. 07, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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