fergie's Diaryland Diary
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nocharity
Dayum! Diaryland has been like totally sucking eggs lately. I have not been able to update for almost a week. OK, like three days.
Today's rant is courtesy of last night's "American Idol" telethon, which proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that exploitation, even for charity, is truly disturbing.
AI forced poor, diseased African kids to talk about their dead parents, eliciting tears from their humongous eyes for the cameras. Then the rich Americans would give them a hug. Aw, it's ok little impoverished African orphan, we're going to use this footage to solicit money from a bunch of middle class people, so that makes it all better. Oh, no! Don't wipe away those tears; the camera is just about to go for a close-up of your sad little face. Remember, your parents died of AIDS. Life is hard and you have no hope for the future. Make sure you keep looking at the camera.
I know, that sounds totally jaded. Are you new here? Because otherwise I don't know what the hell you expect.
Beyond exploiting impoverished minors who have probably never even seen a TV, I'm completely fed up with the seemingly selfish motivations behind some of these trips to third world nations. Somehow it always becomes about the millionaire celebrity and their reaction to extreme poverty, doesn't it? "It makes me feel bad that I have to watch someone suffer," their eyes say. "Look at me, caring about the world's problems. I took the time out of my pampered life to fly in a private jet to Africa with a camera crew, because I want everyone to know I care that much."
12:38 p.m. - Apr. 26, 2007
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420
Diaryland is sucking donkey dick lately. And hard. It takes forever for pages to load, making it next to impossible to add and update entries because I don't have the patience for crap like that. Seriously drives me nuts.
I wanted to put these pics up on Friday to celebrate 420. Fortunately, they're disturbingly funny even when you're not stoned.
For your horny little mutt, the Doggie sex doll:
The baby sandwich -- a low calorie treat that helps control the population:
1:35 p.m. - Apr. 23, 2007
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landlord
Q: How do you upstage Will Ferrell?
A: Cast swearing, beer-drinking baby
clickthrou to play:
7:28 a.m. - Apr. 18, 2007
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fane-mail
What are words for, when no one listens anymore?
Jesus H. Christ! I'm sick and tired of getting idiotic fan mail for that other, other Fergie. Damn her for being way more famous than me, and all the other Fergies in the world. Currently. Just wait until I get on the Oprah book club. That is of course as soon as I finish writing that inspiring, self-empowering and life-changing novel. The one I don't have time or motivation to write, except when I'm pissed off at someone else who stole my name. Bitch.
For your reading pleasure, here's the April mailbag! Spelling and grammatical errors remain for added entertainment.
Will you go to my prom with me next yr and happy almost birthday!!
--Jason
This one sort of tricked me at first, because it was sent to me about a week before my birthday. Then I found out the other, other Fergie is also an Aries. Now that whore is getting too up on my shit, and I may have to kill her. This is, however, the cutest e-mail ever and if it was actually meant for me I would go to Jason's prom with him. I'm that desperate for a date.
hey fergie, i don't want to bother u cause i know ur busy but i just wanted to know if u regret being famous like other stars? ur the best
--Zack
No, but I regret being mistaken for female celebrities when I'm obviously a dude, dumbass.
Hi Fergie your rich right so im poor right now so can I please give me 2 millon dollers if you say yes come to my give me a call ... (phone number and address were provided but kept confidential). Please my dad is so poor he got fired from his job so i had to use my friends computer to wirgt you this! Also I love your song Glamorous!! PLEASE FERGIE PLEASE BUY! BUY!
--Hannah
OK this is like my favorite, like ever, for so many reasons, not the least of which is because this dumb bitch doesn't know the correct spelling of "bye."
Fergieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
--Florencia
This is what my REAL fan mail looks like. I think.
1:14 p.m. - Apr. 17, 2007
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joking
No Joke
"That's some rough girls from Rutgers," Don Imus said during his now infamous broadcast. "Man, they got tattoos ... That's some nappy-headed ho's there (laughter)."
"It is unfortunate Mr. Imus sought to tarnish Rutgers' spirit and success," the team's coach responded nearly a week later, after Al Sharpton launched a personal campaign to inform everyone that they should take offense.
Thank the good lord above for Reverend Al, without whom the world would never know the difference between a crass joke and the insults of a racist tyrant.
At one time, I believe big Al was a powerful ally in the equal rights movement. That time has passed, and his powers of persuasion seem to be working in reverse, creating far more racial tension than harmony.
But this very over-hyped Imus incident goes beyond someone like Rev. Al, who is of course now merely famous for drawing attention to himself by publicly condemning the actions of others.
TIME contributor Debra Dickerson writes, "I'm not angry. I'm deeply, deeply hurt ... If Imus is fired tomorrow, I won't feel any better. I'll still be wondering who else sees a 'jigaboo' in me."
Jiga-what?!? I must strongly disagree that the phrase "nappy-headed ho" is even remotely close to flat out calling someone a "jigaboo."
Also, the Rutgers team has white players. A white girl can have kinky, frizzy hair, too.
Dammit, I don't even like Don Imus! But I honestly think he was trying to be funny. Insulting, but funny. His comments were off the mark and rather inappropriate, naturally, but still an attempt at humor -- rather than an outright racial slur or an intentionally derogatory remark against women.
Will there be more on this topic? Of course! Our silly media can only focus on one sensational story at a time, as long as it's not the war in Iraq. I have mixed feelings about this article, but next week, TIME magazine's cover story focuses on the controversy, which has sparked a new debate over freedom of speech and expression.
11:23 a.m. - Apr. 12, 2007
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APR-07
Inspired
"I had achieved my dream, and it wasn't totally fulfilling. I still had school problems, and I still had boy problems. My life was still my life."
--Emmy winner and 'Ugly Betty' star America Ferrera, on her first pro acting job
Many of us are waiting for our lives to begin. We wish and hope on the future to fulfill our fantasy of what life should be like, always waiting to get there instead of living life as it is, right here. When we land that ideal job, fall in love, buy our dream house, etc., that's when life will begin. But then you get those things and everything is still exactly as it was before, except now you have a new job, a boyfriend or a new home.
My horoscope today offers some rather inspired advice, Aries or not.
Finesse is less important than results. Save the style for another conquest. Are you blunt when needed?
2:06 p.m. - Apr. 05, 2007
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