fergie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the humanoid typhoon Today the construction at Condomania HQ was finally completed. I stopped by to survey the newly remodeled space, even bigger and better than before. In my role as an official sexpert, it�s important to check-in for the big events to remind everyone that I�m on the payroll. While the physical chore of setting up the office is finished, some serious interior design work lies ahead. I commented on this as I swept fresh sawdust off one of the desktops so I could seat myself. As soon as my ass touched particleboard, the damn thing absolutely fell to bits. The support beam snapped, I fell to the floor, and the cubicle collapsed on my head. I simply could not contain myself. After a month of absurd self-induced injuries and property damage, I'd reached my emotional breaking point. I shrieked with laughter. Tears rolled down my cheeks. "Jebus Christhole," I exclaimed with a mouthful of debris, "That was totally out of control!� I mean, come on.. what the hell was the thing made out of, recycled paper cups?! Fortunately I was able to tunnel out from under the wreckage. The deluxe Swiss Army knife I carry may be bulky, but it does come in handy. Despite the nail sticking out of my arm, no one even bothered to show concern for my physical well-being. Instead, Filchyboy duly noted that expensive office equipment might have been damaged had I not demonstrated the structural weakness of the building. I quickly informed everyone within earshot that this was, of course, my point. Judging by the laughing and pointing, I�m not sure they bought my cover.
10:17 p.m. - Jun. 30, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- poppies! I mean, \"poppers\" I was cleaning out one of my nightstand drawers the other day and came upon a bottle of Blue Boy Liquid Incense. Too brain damaged to learn from my past, I took a big whiff. Poppers. I suppose it would have been best to read the content label first. I know for a fact that I�ve never purchased any form of alkyl nitrite in my life. If I�m going to do an illegal substance, there�s much better stuff available than anything you can buy over the counter. Not to mention, I don�t even like poppers. They smell bad and make me dizzy. The sad truth is I probably bought it thinking it was actually liquid incense. I will never make fun of Jessica Simpson again. I'm the idiot sniffing chemicals and she's boffing Nick Leshay. I also doubt that my stupidity will lead to any endorsement deals. At least, not the kind of advertisements they can show on national television. 11:37 p.m. - Jun. 29, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Father Knows Best Father Knows Best. I�ve been venting to my dad about the anti-gay amendment now being considered by congress. I struggle to understand why these small issues keep us divided when we could focus our energy on things we all agree on. You�re telling me that in a time of war, high unemployment rates, and declining heath-care benefits that we need to define the specific nature of a marriage contract? Get a fucking clue. Throughout major cities in the US, men and women can be as gay as they please. Fact is, people are gay everyday. It�s been going on for a very long time. So who the fuck cares? Why is this even an issue? Papa game me some insight: On one hand, I have a gay son who I love. I would hope that in spite of obstacles he will and has encountered, he would be able to be happy and fulfilled as a person. Contrary to popular beliefs expressed in our small town newspaper, being gay is not a "choice" of lifestyle. Homosexuality cannot any more be "cured" than can heterosexual conduct. All the Bible-thumping rhetoric in the world won't change a biological fact. (By the way, why is it that straight men are so in favor of watching, promoting, and fantasizing about two pretty girls together, yet condemn homosexuality?) On the other hand, it also has certain drawbacks. The first being that it will lead to more adoptions by gay couples. No, I don't think that will make the child gay. The child either is or isn't, just like its parents. Being a child is very difficult. If you wear the wrong style shoes, or wear your hair different, you can be subject to ridicule. Imagine the ammunition your peers get when they discover that you have two mommies or daddies! I know it's the same old argument that is used about mixed race marriages, but from personal observation I would say that not everyone is really open to that idea either. I know that I�m out here in corn country, but the majority of Americans live in rural settings, and those �values� are more widely held than you may believe. Remember, young Fergie, that you live in one of the largest bastions of liberal thinking in the world. You can't legislate intolerance out of people. The current election casts light on the debate, as hot topics are used to attract the swing vote. Bush has made his stand against gay marriage. Right or wrong, he has done so. Kerry, on the other hand, has taken both sides. As a Catholic, he will earn the ire of his church if he favors abortion and gay marriage. My bet is that his allegiances lie with becoming President more than upholding his supposed sacred beliefs. Unfortunately, many voters will elect to go with a given candidate based on their stance on only one issue, be it abortion, gay marriage, etc. Personally, I think voters should outline ten issues, and vote for the candidate who reflects their thinking on the majority of those issues. Going with a man because of one belief is like buying a car because you really like the side view mirrors on it. When voters begin to show some depth and character, maybe the candidates will have to as well. For now, we are getting the kind of government we deserve. Shame on us. 3:45 p.m. - Jun. 26, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- guestlist There's nothing like checking email bright-n-early in the morning to start the day off right. To: Fergie Hey, you gonna make it out to my club tonight? You were so trashed last Friday. Very funny and loud you were. I loved it.
Now you know why I'm on everyone's guestlist. 7:47 a.m. - Jun. 25, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- catchphrase Today I stopped by the office to practice exaggerated facial expressions. I have some bitchy new catchphrases I�m trying out this summer and have to make sure they resonate. What's being said isn't as important as the tone in which it is expressed. Consider the following.. I mean, come on! [I meeeeen.. Com-Ow-n! -- blank stare, then snapping head forward, eyes blinking heavily] Okay, this is like, totally freaking me out. [in Valley Girl accent: Uh-K, this-is-like, TOTALLY Freaking. Me. Out. -- eyes locked on the ceiling while giving The Hand] Do you have any idea..! [Do-You.. Have.. ANY-IDE-AHhh! -- seizure-type eye roll, hands poised to strangle] It�s out of control! [Its.. OUTTACONT-RAAAAL! -- intense head shaking, eyes wide with panic]
7:47 p.m. - Jun. 24, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- caffeinated Caffeinated. It�s no secret that I function on a healthy diet of chocolate and caffeine, but I�d forgotten just how completely FUBAR a heavy dose of the latter could make an individual. Right now I�m tripping my balls off on a little something called dnL. This is a product of 7up, which of course as everyone knows never had caffeine, never will. A single 12oz can of the upside-down version is like mainlining a triple-shot of espresso. In fact right now I�m in the middle of doing laundry, editing an article, checking my email and writing this entry at the same time. A few minutes ago, I was forced to call the evil bitch landlady when I discovered the laundry room door was locked. Diffusing my verbal dragonnade before I could even begin, she politely informed me that the drains on the 2nd and 3rd floors are being repaired. I�m not sure if she was being genuine or faking it, but it could have been caffeine paranoia. She�s been super-sweet lately and it�s totally throwing me off. I�m open to playing nice, but my natural distrust in people doesn�t lead me to believe she�s trying to make amends. Anyway, I don�t know how I heard a word she said. Through the entire conversation, I continued to speak over her in a rushed tone about using the laundry room on the first floor, or having it picked up by the little place across the street, oh-you-know-the-one, and that I�d only called because I thought she�d put new locks on the doors & I wanted to bitch her out for not giving me a key. To this sentiment, we both laughed; she thought I was kidding, I laughed because I couldn�t believe I was spinning so fast I�d actually said it out loud. I went down to the laundry room and did my usual sound effects as I plopped clothes in the filling washer, only this time with 70% more wild hand gestures and volume. Whheeee!! SPLASH! Haha! People had actually gathered outside the doorway watching me talk to myself. 8:22 p.m. - Jun. 21, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bloggers&goofballs ..I've linked some new blogs recently.. my wrist still hurts. Doctor tolde me I sprained it and gave me some goofballs.. I mean medication. 1:59 p.m. - Jun. 19, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- spike-mail Received a text message from Spike, who's in the Provincetown production of Naked Boys Singing, a "..traditional revue, in the vein of Vaudeville and high-camp American musical theater...that celebrates the splendors of male nudity in comedy, song and dance." Today was great, we practiced in the nude for the first time. I measured up pretty well...of course. Now I'm having fun as the boys in the cast fight over who I get to fuck first. 8:40 p.m. - Jun. 17, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- weekend update According to recent online polls, I'm pure evil & Madonna bitchy. I guess that makes me a high-class diva with an attitude and a thirst for world domination. Who knew? I'm spending a few days away from my keyboard because I broke my wrist when I was sleeping. Or, it may have been from carrying all the bags from Bath & Body works this weekend after ransacking their semi-annual sale. You know, the one where everything is $5 or less? Go now. I have to ice my wrist. 8:40 p.m. - Jun. 14, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- breaking things Fergie: h-o-w-d-y :) agent007: that's a big grin Fergie: well, i was going to say something really shitty but decided to give a cheshire cat grin instead.. agent007: shitty towards me /:P Fergie: nah. if i had anything shitty to say about you, i'd want to do it to your face agent007: raaaaaaaaawr Fergie: just more my style.. agent007: true agent007: and what's keeping u up so late tonight? :-) Fergie: doing a weblog entry.. started @ 6 agent007: geesh Fergie: yah, been getting distracted.. like, there was this movie on, and then some other stuff happened.. agent007: uh-huh. so, what actually happened to your thumb, if i may ask? Fergie: i slamed my thumb in a drawer because i was mad at my phone agent007: at your phone or the person on the phone? Fergie: no, i was mad @ my phone.. it never shuts up! its always bleeping this and beeping that.. im sick of it! Fergie: obviously, the thumb part was not the intent of slamming drawers around.. agent007: not unless you're in to self mutilation.. but, you can turn the ringer off! Fergie: as soon as i do that i miss a call from someone i actually want to talk to agent007: well... you can't have it both ways! Fergie: stupid phone agent007: you're just hard to please Fergie: take that! AHAHAHAHAAHHHH my thumb! agent007: hehe.. you realize what they call that right? Fergie: being cool..? agent007: "justice" Fergie: well get this.. because i broke my thumb, i also broke something else.. agent007: *listening* Fergie: while @ the office, i stood up to refill my cup with water.. my headset was on & i was, like, half standing, not quite sitting.. agent007: *picturing* Fergie: i'm getting my phone set off and pick up my cup, putting pressure on my broken thumb agent007: ouchie. Fergie: drop cup Fergie: try to catch cup with other hand, still holding phone set Fergie: volley cup into plasma monitor agent007: eek Fergie: flat screen plasma monitor? destroyed agent007: OMG Fergie: multi-chromatic spider web across the entire screen agent007: that is one of the saddest stories i've ever heard Fergie: i had a time-out in the bathroom after that.. just to compose myself.. agent007: the bathroom? Fergie: no one bothers me in there 2:22 a.m. - Jun. 11, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Regan pity party I think they should strap Regan's casket on the back of a flatbed truck and take it on a three-month tour across the US. If you're going to make a spectacle out of a former icon that (mentally) checked out years ago, do it up right. That�s all I�m saying. 10:10 a.m. - Jun. 10, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PURE poolside This year�s PURE poolside @ Ranchonoho didn�t have quite the same splash as summer03, for rather obvious reasons. Still, there were boys galore, everyone got pretty fucked up, and when I went behind the pool house a couple of boys followed to watch me pee. Good party! 7:57 a.m. - Jun. 07, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The I-List The I-List Wes.. Wes Ferguson? You�re Fergie! Why yes, yes I am. Would you like an autograph? I admit it; I�m a self-centered bitch. This is not breaking news, like the death of former President Ronald Regan was on Saturday. After a quick stop by the agency so my roomy could scan & email an approved photo to various media outlets, we cracked open the limo's mini-bar and toasted to ol� Ron. This, after rolling out of bed at 3pm and downing a screwdriver for brunch. I was told it was a protein shake. Never trust a smiling drunk.* By the time we�d finished our toast, we were more than fashionably late and tipsy enough to be thankful for driver as we made our way to G:LAB II, the second annual Gay LA Blogger�s meet-up at the newly remodeled, ever expanding Abbey. Which, incidentally, now looks like a cross between one of Cher�s stage sets and a Disney attraction. If they install animatronic go-go boys I swear I�m never setting foot in that place again. Unless there�s a ride which features dark tunnels. In that case I might even pay a cover. Now, it�s only fitting that I�d invited a few people to G:LAB for purely selfish reasons. I wanted someone there besides The Whore who�d actually seen my website. Even though he�d read my blog long before we met and subsequently moved in together, I get the feeling he�s rather sick of looking at this page after he redesigned my entire site earlier this year. * Anyway, my plan backfired, but in a good way. Turns out I didn�t need to bring my own fan club. Of course I won�t say I was the star of the event, but we all know that�s just being modest. What's that, dear reader? You're right, the "modest" act doesn�t work for me either. I�m always the star. Saturday was no exception. Maybe Mr. Bernard is right, maybe there's an "I-List" ..not enough concentrated media attention to be a Hollywood star, too few insanely obsessed fans to be a cult icon, but just enough egomaniacal drive and daily page hits to be an Internet celebrity. All, I must note, without the use of pornography. Only half-naked pictures with super-hero themes. After a grand entrance, I held court at the bar so I could flirt with the cute cocktail waiter. Thankfully he�d tipped a heavy hand of vodka into my martini, which left me far too buzzed to act like a fucking snob. I worry my alter ego has spilled over, just a bit. It�s important to keep it in check, because I sincerely endeavor to be gracious and polite, even show restraint, unlike those pathetic media sluts who draw unnecessary and unflattering attention to themselves or look completely bored when they�re not the center of attention. Anyone can take a more classy approach to life, even if they're not an Internet celebrity. For as casually as I admit to being a bitch, it doesn�t mean I always act like one. Only when provoked. Mama Fergie taught us to always show the sweet side first. If you have to get nasty, at least you put your best, perfectly manicured foot forward. If someone decides to step on your toes, the other foot is free to kick their ass. I�d rather smile pretty and sign autographs. 6:07 p.m. - Jun. 06, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- papa fergie-mail: firearm Excerpt from a recent Papa Fergie-mail: I�m suspended from [top secret]. Fuck up with my paperwork that never got processed from [confidential] County. Nice. Now I have to go back and take a refresher course --at my expense-- and cannot carry a gun until I do. That�s right. My father is a spy. Oh, and he's pissed because he can�t conceal a firearm. At least, not in that County. 5:59 p.m. - Jun. 04, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- thatmattdude What keeps me awake at night? Other than caffeine, it's the guilt. I'm a bad blogger. I know it's all about me, but there are plenty of other blogs I read. Unlike many sites, though, I don't list them on my page. It�s nothing personal, but people change site addresses without notice. I'm not a developer, and frankly don't have the time. ps-It�s not my job to go chasing after everyone through cyberspace. A little over a year ago I put up a link to a page with a bunch of reads. The same problem naturally arose, only instead of keeping up with things at my own pace I opted not to make any effort whatsoever. Rather than updating it for the new template design, I pulled the link off the main page. Recent entries have since been put in the links blog, which seems appropriate. Still, I don�t post there as often as I�d like. Basically, I�m a bad blogger. I have a life outside of my monitor. Anyway, the Gay LA Bloggers meet-up reminded me thatmattdude asked me to link him a long time ago, like when he started in November of last year. I shouldn't feel so bad, he never put my link up either. Bitch. Anyway, I hope he comes to G:LAB. He�s taken, but awfully nice to look at. 1:46 a.m. - Jun. 04, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- G:LAB II G:LAB II - This time, you're invited! Sort of. 9:09 a.m. - Jun. 03, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jun. 04 I broke my thumb. Well, more like slammed it in a drawer really hard. If you look real close at the nail it's sort of purple. Actually, it only hurts when I try to grab something, but this has made me realize 1) How often I grab things 2) Thumbs are vital to proper hand function. 8:08 p.m. - Jun. 02, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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