fergie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- opinon vs fact It's not a difference of opinion, it's a matter of fact. Bush Lies. "They are trying to shake our will in Iraq � just as they tried to shake our will on September 11, 2001" "The president's frequent references to the terrorist attacks of September 11 show the weakness of his arguments. He is willing to exploit the sacred ground of 9/11, knowing that there is no connection between 9/11 and the war in Iraq." "..this was an elective war ... Saddam wasn't a part of 9/11, Saddam didn't have WMD to threaten America.." "The ISG has not found evidence that Saddam possessed WMD stocks in 2003, but [there is] the possibility that some weapons existed in Iraq, although not of a militarily significant capability." "Iraq wasn't even one of the 45 countries where al Qaeda was operating, according to the White House, after 9/11." "Willingness to use speculation and conjecture as facts in public presentations is appalling. It's astounding." 10:11 a.m. - Jun. 29, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- virtual beach Escape the Monday Take a moment & relax on my private virtual beach. All the beauty, none of the sand in your butt. 7:21 a.m. - Jun. 27, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Add Director-slash To My Resume Add Director-slash To My Resume The Giant Cockroach incident inspired a short, poorly animated film. The piece is called "Ugly Nasty Bug" and will premiere at next years Venice Film Festival. Since I�d already wasted most of the evening, I decided to make a crappity short animated film about me and kitty, but there�s no feline character in the animation model, so I had to use a bear instead. 11:26 a.m. - Jun. 26, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tom Cruise Kills Oprah I know I posted this on my links page, but I forgot to add the entry for today before I left my place & this clip is such a fucking scream I almost piss myself every time I watch it. 3:38 p.m. - Jun. 25, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Office Monkeys vs. the Giant Cockroach This morning when I awoke, it really felt like it should be Friday. I managed to convince myself of this until about mid-commute. Then, reality. Damn. It didn�t matter anyway, because we�re doing inventory all weekend. Double whammy! Damn to the second power, bankrupt, loose turn. Now, here�s an anecdote about the place from which I cannot escape. If I�m stuck here, so are you.
We get checked weekly for critters, as the nature of personal products demands a sterile environment. Unlike other buildings, where residents don�t think they have insects living among them simply because they never see any, we have a certified clean sweep and review of all findings as part of the inspection process. Most of the time it�s hard to tell the specimen apart from the dust it was collected in. So, basically, upon hearing Weezy's big bug scream, I expected a piece of lint. Imagine my surprise when a cockroach the size of my fist loomed over the toilet. A mad dash for the Raid ensued, but only served to annoy the evil creature. Hand on the Bible, motherfucker shook it off and gave me a dirty look. I threw my shoe. It bounced off the ceiling and landed in the trash. Evil Giant Cockroach scuttled, more screams (probably mine) as reinforcements arrived. Actually, Kink did nothing to help the situation, as she immediately turned and ran from the scene (she's ok with spiders, which is why she thought she could be of assistance). Our hero Ernie valiantly took the can of Raid from my hand and emptied its contents at the Giant Cockroach. Then he beat it with the empty can, and when it fell to the floor, I threw a match and lit the sorry son of a bitch on fire. As the carcass smouldered, Chica, appearing from out of nowhere in purely oblivious canine fashion, thought it was Cajun Fried Something Yummy and pranced towards the defeated bug in slow motion, tongue wagging as someone in the distance yelled "NO!" That�s when I passed-out. I don't want to know the rest of the story, even though I'm sure it had a happy ending. I'm just glad I could share.
4:56 p.m. - Jun. 23, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Condom Convention Condom Convention This morning at Condomania HQ is like a VIP safer-sex convention. In addition to the usual office monkeys, assorted crack staff of experts and our CEO, our guests include Mr. Paradise (top distributor) and the makers of TheyFit Condoms. Chica and I are on best behavior as they pow-wow in one of the back offices. I�m just glad they�re not in the conference room beside me, that way I won't overhear any crass straight jokes. Not that I mind that kind of thing, I�m just not in the mood. Plus, I'd have to appear to be working instead of rubbing Chica's tummy. 10:30 a.m. - Jun. 22, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- agenda item 1 Well, shit, is it Sunday already? I have a really good excuse for being away from my computer all weekend. And, it�s totally true! I'd noticed a slight bulge under my chin Friday night, to which I attributed being a lazy fat ass (meaning I haven't seen the gym in over a week). It immediately dawned on me that I�m an ultra svelte supermodel-type, eliminating cellulite as a possibility and escalating the situation into panic mode. Upon further inspection, my glands were indeed swollen, though no rigorous oral sexual activity preceded the incident. By Saturday, after attempting the "sleep through the afternoon" cure-all, other symptoms began to register. Most notable was the full body rash, but there was also nasal congestion/discharge, muscle contractions, limited visual ability, and an overall not sexy feeling. Either I was suffering from a severe allergic reaction or I'd turned into a monster. I have no idea what caused such an extreme (and not the fun kind, like when it's spelled X-treme) condition, but much rest and magical herbs were needed. Though not completely cured, I'm back to feeling human again. Now, let�s cross off at lest one of those pending agenda items, shall we? The Truck That Wrecked The Block Fucking dumb ass. As if he was going to get away in the first place, driving on three wheels and shooting sparks from under the hood. 7:03 p.m. - Jun. 21, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tease Pulling a trick from RumbleLizard�s book, I�m putting down a few weblog agenda items I wanted to post this week but won't have time to elaborate on until later. Like, Sunday. --The Truck That Wrecked The Block More to come... 7:12 p.m. - Jun. 16, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How To Crash Party & Make Friends How To Crash Party & Make Friends While at Mr. Bernard�s over the weekend, his lovely neighbor extended an open invitation for mimosas before the parade on Sunday, which we ultimately missed because we were drunk on champagne. That�s not the point of this story, however true. I'd pre-planned my outfits for the festival, saving prep time and eliminating hangover indecision. Not to mention, I had a limited amount of space in my overnight bag. This led to being overly prepared and subsequent boredom while Mr. Bernard and his other guests clocked the usual queer-time of three and a half hours to get fully primped and pretty. Since I was awake and fully dressed, a breakfast beverage seemed appropriate. I went next door to visit the lovely neighbor. I flung the door open like I owned the place, and didn�t recognize a single face in the room. It would have been easy to spot lovely neighbor among the throng of homos, had he been in attendance. Realizing my situation and looking lost, Miss Manners training kicked in, transforming my puzzled expression into a welcoming smile just in the nick of time. Not a mere nanosecond later, some loud queen on the other side of the apartment shouted: HI! YOU DON�T KNOW ANYONE HERE, DO YOU? First instinct is to run away in self-preservation. Not really my style. I bellowed back: HELL, I DON�T EVEN LIVE IN THIS BUILDING! GET ME A DRINK! Hilarity and alcohol consumption ensued. 7:21 p.m. - Jun. 14, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LA Pride with Mr. Bernard LA Pride with Mr. Bernard We simply couldn't come up with a solid reason to either stand in line for an hour or pay a $15 cover charge for clubs we hardly bother to patronize during the rest of the year, when they're free. Plus, it looked like pride brought out the uglies. Most of the weekend was spent poolside at Mr. Bernard's place in WeHo. We could hear the thumping of the festival, and that was enough for us. 4:20 p.m. - Jun. 13, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am an alien I Am An Alien I�ve come to understand the strange feeling that overtakes me whenever I�m confronted with human interaction. Apparently, I exist in a parallel universe, somehow trapped between my sensible reality and that of a world populated by fucking morons. Where I�m from, people have the ability to draw their own, independent conclusions by using sensory observations (such as sight or sound), therefore making decisions based on logic and reason. This is a strange place where parents allow their children to play in the street, collectively unable to comprehend any connection between such activity and the sound of blaring horns. Forget the carpool request, find my coordinates on the teleport and beam me the hell out of here. I just want to go home, and never come back. 6:03 p.m. - Jun. 09, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can Someone Give Me A Ride? Can Someone Give Me A Ride? I�d planned to stay late at the office this evening, but suddenly burnt-out. During a phone conversation, I mixed match two closers and ended the call by saying, �No Time,� instead of �No Problem� or �Any Time.� Christina Marie Sanchez-Ford is acting up again, yes, again, and now I�m stuck waiting on my ride, totally fried at work. I miss the limo. 7:21 p.m. - Jun. 07, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pot pill According to the US supreme court ruling today, use of marijuana plants for medicinal purposes is punishable by federal law. Proponents have been going about legalization the wrong way, and should have developed research programs aimed at the FDA instead. If Pfeitzer had exclusive rights to grow and distribute the crop, there�d already be a pot pill on the market. 6:06 p.m. - Jun. 06, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Birds in the city are a little fucked up Perpetual Dawn A wee bit drunk, this morning, walking home to the sound of unseen birds chirping, someone informed me that chicks in the city have an irregular, if not erratic, sense of time. Due to the streetlights, the omni-glow above the city creates a false sense of dawn for our feathered friends. They chirp at night and all through morning, basically, because they can�t quite tell what time it is. Birds in the city are a little fucked up. 7:11 a.m. - Jun. 04, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- June-05 Upon return from my vacation, Kitty simply could not wait to jump into my empty suitcase. In fact, she was so overzealous I mistook her for a pair of black sox and almost threw her in the hamper. 1:06 a.m. - Jun. 01, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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