fergie's Diaryland Diary

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Mama Fergie (still) Rocks

Mama Fergie (still) Rocks

Yes, I know I�ve said it before, but it needs to be said at least two or three dozen more times. After my recent car trouble (now fixed) the following note floated into my mailbox, handwritten by Mama Fergie on her personal stationary:

This won't make your troubles go away, but it might get you a tank of gas so you can escape from them for awhile.

Did I mention the note was wrapped around a personal check? Told you my mom rocked. And she's right, I need a fucking vacation.

I'm taking her advice & will return next month.

12:28 a.m. - May. 23, 2005

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CuteChris says..

CuteChris: I got a haircut today!
Fergie: new style?
CuteChris: same thing I always get
Fergie: you have curly hair, though... curl-ish, not like ringlets
CuteChris: it's bigger curls yes, but my hair is sexy and spiky when it's short
Fergie: yah w/ curly you have to find the best cut, not really about the "style"
CuteChris: yeah... I like it short, mainly because it cuts the curls out... oh how I wish I was born with straight hair
Fergie: well I can tell you it's the same amount of drama
CuteChris: liar
Fergie: movie bed hair is reality for none.. my straight, flat hair needs a lot of work to get lift & stuff
CuteChris: I would trade for straight hair any day of the week, and that is the truth
Fergie: I would trade you!
CuteChris: we should do a freaky Friday.. and be each other
Fergie: if I were Chris for a day, I�d take advantage of myself
CuteChris: *blush*
Fergie: lol... gotta wash off my facemask
CuteChris: ok

(sound of running water)

Fergie: so, yah.. Speaking of hair, I can't wait to get mine done tomorrow. It�s soooo-oo long
CuteChris: HA!
Fergie: like, in my eyes long
CuteChris: take a picture
Fergie: yah I need to start taking more pics. my fotoblog totally sucks right now
CuteChris: I like Wes pictures.. mhmm
Fergie: haha.. Well I don�t really mean of myself... there are so many crazy/funny things native to LA culture that it actually becomes necessary to prove they really occur... like, I really wish I�d gotten a pic of my broke down car in the middle of Pico blvd. yesterday
CuteChris: hot
Fergie: I could put up a slideshow/video of cars pulling up behind Christina Marie Sanchez-Ford...CLEARLY EMOTIONAL & DEVOID OF ANYONE AT THE WHEEL, HER HOOD FLUNG OPEN, HAZARDS BLINKING... while motorists cursed and honked at her to move. Bitches.
CuteChris: LMAO
Fergie: and it would have been worth the effort to get footage of the constant stream of SUV driving assholes daringly close to picking off Mr. Tow Truck Guy as he was rigging my car to his.. rig thingie
CuteChris: lol
Fergie: not that I expected anyone to stop or, g-d forbid, change lanes to navigate around us, but I (mistakenly) thought they might at least have lifted their foot off the fucking gas pedal for a second or two
CuteChris: I would pay money to see that
Fergie: ...and I really wanted a pic of the homeless guy, who, while sorting through a trashcan, offered his shifty-eyed assistance in exchange for a couple bucks
CuteChris: no way
Fergie: at the time, I was on the phone with AAA. I was all, oh never mind AAA tow--there's a hobo on the scene, i'm all good
CuteChris: street people are always there just when you need them
Fergie: true true.. and AAA was like �yah, no worries, not a chance he'll stab you and take all your stuff as soon as you open your car door�
CuteChris: sounds about right
Fergie: actually, AAA Guy stayed on the phone with me until Mr. Tow Truck Guy arrived on the scene, and asked repeatedly if I wanted him to call the police.. I told him I could handle myself and three patrol cars had already sped past by! obviously it wasn't that much of an emergency situation. I think it requires a higher celebrity status than some fag with a website for an emergency in this town
CuteChris: but you have a fan club!
Fergie: don�t for get the yahoo group. So.. the VanDamage? Christina Marie may require a new engine. That�s like, the equivalent of a heart transplant. Girlfriend is officially retired from the freeway
CuteChris: sad times
Fergie: I�ve been without a car for just over 24-hours and I still think my Christina Marie Sanchez-Ford is in her parking spot, I�d have to physically see it to believe it
CuteChris: I would totally die
Fergie: yah, walking kills. The pedestrians I�ve terminated can attest, if not for being deceased
CuteChris: I thought you only vehicular manslaughter-ed garage doors & people on bikes?
Fergie: Depends on my mood

11:27 a.m. - May. 21, 2005

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breakdown

BREAKDOWN
(Beware of Thursday the 12th)

Sans Limo this season, I�ve been crusing Hollywood in my totally hot �93 escort. Christina Marie Sanchez-Ford has always done pretty well by me, but girlfriend is starting to show her age. Then last Thursday, she overheated and completely shut down in the left turn lane between four lanes of traffic at 5:20 PM on Pico Blvd. I was almost killed by the insane, road raging, SUV driving motherfuckers that populate LA�s streets. They almost got Mr. Tow Truck Guy, too. The third time involved a near miss by a Metro bus. Naturally preceding an event worthy of such device, I�d forgotten my cell at home, requiring the use of a nasty public payphone. I held the receiver three inches from my ear during the entire call to AAA.

Talk about a deglamourizing scene.

10:26 p.m. - May. 19, 2005

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BOOM! Here comes the � FedEx truck?

BOOM! Here comes the � FedEx truck?

A loud crash of metal reverberated down the block, shaking the windows in the office. Craning my neck to look outside, two giant delivery trucks buckled head on, their opposing logos seemingly locked in battle. There are a number of warehouses in our area, not an hour of the day goes by without some giant vehicle blocking one side of the street or the other. With a UPS truck already sitting idle on the east side of the block, the FedEx driver apparently moved over into the opposing lane to park on the same side, but forgot to apply the brake.

I�m rather fond of the idea that similar so-called accidents are happening all over the country, and a highly competitive delivery market has actually taken a demolition derby approach to the streets. The service won't be improved if packages are delayed due aggressive collisions, but it�s far more exciting.

12:12 p.m. - May. 19, 2005

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ravashing

Extreme Makeover, Executive Edition

I�m finally out from under the hat I�ve been wearing for the past two weeks. In addition to my fabulous new hairdo, Ernie, Rockstar-D (our token co-worker/band member, every Hollywood office has one), and Filchyboy all went under the scissors this weekend as well. Ravishing! That�s the only word to describe our fine looking office this otherwise drab Monday morning.

9:36 p.m. - May. 16, 2005

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FF51305

THE FRIDAY 5
(1) What do you picture when you think of lawyers?
The cast of Boston Law

(2) What do you picture when you think of accountants?
Paperwork & receipts

(3) What do you picture when you think of clergy?
The Emperor from Star Wars, thanks Andy!

(4) What do you picture when you think of garbage men?
One-piece uniforms that zip from neck down to crotch, also great for use as stripping gear.

(5) What do you picture when you think of a best friend?
Knowing glances across the room.

3:45 p.m. - May. 13, 2005

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Now that's cheesy

Now that's cheesy.

Kraft Foods is one of the sponsors for the 2005 Gay Games. The American Family Association is asking their members to call and email Kraft to complain. Kraft is a subsidiary of notoriously conservative Phillip Morris, Inc. and if they get enough screaming mothers calling them, they might pull their sponsorship!

Let Kraft know that you appreciate them supporting the Gay Games and the GLBT Community in general.

Call them for FREE or email the CEO:
TOLL FREE: 1-800-323-0768
CEO Roger K. Deromedi

4:48 p.m. - May. 12, 2005

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No, I say to that-!!

So, like, I want to get more political and stuff, therefore I�ve recently joined a number of online campaigns against crappy stuff happening all over the world. I'm totally against many things, a surprising number of which I didn�t even know existed. It�s super-fantastic, mainly because it allows me to feel like I�ve contributed to society without the burden of effort or commitment.

11:11 p.m. - May. 11, 2005

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You Can't Get There From Here

You Can't Get There From Here

Ernie: Hey Fergie, I'm in your area.. my sister and I are hungry, where�s the closest Papa Johns?

Me: Don't they deliver?

Ernie: I'm.. in my car

Me: right.. yah.

(pause)

Ernie: I'm headed west on Venice. Pizza. Directions. Now. Missy.

Me: Well, I'm trying to map stuff in my head. Mm-kay.. when you hit Overland, go north, which should be a right turn. I think. Heading towards McDonalds, not the gas station. Then.. you.. make another right, at Palm.. It's kind of confusing because Palm becomes National and then goes under the freeway, but I'm pretty sure there's a Papa Johns between Overland and Robertson on National. Palms. That, you know, street you�ll be on.

Ernie: Ok, so now I'm on Motor.

Me: You're what on where-? From Venice, right on Overland, right on Palms :: presto change-o :: it becomes National. Papa Johns magically appears. I didn�t say nothing about no Motor.

Ernie: So..

Me: Just come over to my place and I'll have them meet you outside.

3:33 p.m. - May. 09, 2005

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Exotic Dancer Barbie

6:36 a.m. - May. 06, 2005

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Cinco day Drunko

Cinco day Drunko

Why do white people in the US celebrate on this date? Like, besides all that historical crap, which basically amounts to a battle between a bunch of foreigners outside our borders in a time before indoor plumbing.

The Mexican victory celebrated on this date for did not serve to establish independence, Mexico was an occupied nation under France within a year. I mean, good job and all, great effort. You won! Well, kind of, not really. And, you know, it was the French army, not exactly considered a great military force. But, whatever! Let�s get drunk! Viva el, I mean, la ..uhm, something!

5:05 p.m. - May. 05, 2005

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May-05

Shush with the shushing.

Last night�s audience at The Grove was the biggest bunch of overly sensitive pricks I I�ve ever had the displeasure of being seated with. The guy three seats over and an entire row behind us "shushed" every time Ernie and I laughed. This continued throughout the entire movie, pointedly disrupting anyone who might have otherwise enjoyed the feature. Shush-guy made such a fuss over nothing that the uptight fag six chairs in the opposite direction turned in our general direction at the end of the movie and loudly grumbled something about "fucking assholes." I'm still not exactly sure if his pent-up frustration was directed at us, Shush-guy, or as a vague insult to anyone within earshot.

Ernie hadn�t even heard Shush-guy shushing us, and was completely blindsided by frustrated-guy's comment. You see, Ernie was actually paying attention to the movie instead of scouring other patrons for a reason to pitch a bitch fit. No talking/cell phones, no babies/hyperactive children, I understand. Expecting to hear a pin drop in a crowded theatre is fucking stupid. It was a pointless confrontation. To illustrate our deep concern for the situation at hand, we turned and burst into laughter. Sashaying down the isle, attitude set to stun, Ernie and I made a deliberately slow exit. Neither party followed close behind.

An audience should have a pulse. Personally, I react. This may include laughter, open-mouthed gasping, even tears. Not at the same time, generally, but there are some rare exceptions. I refuse to inhibit my theatre experience in effort to cater to some uptight control-mongering movie Nazi.

I�d like to come across as a more considerate person, unfortunately, it seems a number of people do not understand what this actually entails. Just because I�m aware of someone else�s needs, it does not mean I�m automatically required to compromise. Having consideration for others also means someone might have to use the restroom in the middle of the feature, and those seated by the exit will have to let them pass. And, the occasional missed line may need repeating for the sake of clarity, and yes, other people will laugh at things you don�t. These things happen. It�s normal and completely beyond control; either choose to accept it or stay home.

5:45 p.m. - May. 04, 2005

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