fergie's Diaryland Diary
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California Dreaming
GlitterQueen: dude
Fergie: what up G?
GlitterQueen: I had the most bizarre dream last night
Fergie: do tell
GlitterQueen: you and I were driving to my new apt building, which I assume was in L.A. - ppl were moving my stuff in, we were just dropping a few things off. You went in for a minute and I waited for you, then we left.
Fergie: uhmm... riveting so far but I�m waiting for the bizarre.. Wait, so I just stopped to boss people around for a minute? "NO, THAT GOES OVER THERE YOU PATHETIC TURD!!"
GlitterQueen: yes in my dream your personality was the same as in real life. So I had a little baby boy who was premature and had breathing problems, and, totally as like, an afterthought, you told me that the air quality, either in your car or the building elevator wasn't good enough for him.... so you left him in the basement storage area to die quietly
Fergie: well that seems like the humane thing to do
GlitterQueen: yah, I was all "oh. Ok."
Fergie: handled!
GlitterQueen: then it skips.....now I miss the baby. You (the part of you is now played by a guy from my soap) went down to the basement to check on him (a week has passed).. but he�s gone! Someone in this building has my son and we have no way to know who
Fergie: how dare they steal our asthmatic baby I left for dead!
GlitterQueen: then, it's not me anymore. It's an HBO series you've taped to show me, and it's Penelope Cruz! Psycho bitch lives in the building.
Fergie: In addition to being a psycho bitch, Penelope also has a scary big head
GlitterQueen: she has the baby and knows it's mine, but we don't know she has him. The series is about the entire psychotic things she does t torture us until we realize she's Single White Female with my son.
Fergie: To her credit, she did save him from the basement...
GlitterQueen: Yeah, but only to torment us
Fergie: Oh, right. That bitch!
GlitterQueen: Fucking bizarre, no?
Fergie: totally. Good dream! I wonder what it means..??
GlitterQueen: it means diabetics should never skip dinner
Fergie: ..and the moral of the story is never leave your kids in the basement because a crazy, big doll-headed psycho might steal them?
GlitterQueen: the fucking moral is never to entrust YOU with my kid!!
Fergie: that too
4:20 p.m. - Jul. 29, 2005
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Touch My Candy & You Die
Touch My Candy & You Die
A small group of ants discovered the Sour Starburst Jellybeans hidden in one of my desk drawers, even though I�d sealed them in a plastic bag (the jellybeans, not the ants). To avoid a toxic cloud of bug spray stinking up my work area, I killed the little ants with Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar Body Splash. Extermination has never been so humane or well scented.
8:42 p.m. - Jul. 27, 2005
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interoffice memo
Interoffice Memo
It takes a special kind of hetero male to unabashedly give an openly gay guy a big bottle of lube. Thanks, Dean!!
Kink�s "that�s just nasty" quote of the day: I gotta brush my grill. I burped & something came up.
4:32 p.m. - Jul. 25, 2005
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1-yr ago
IN THE NEWS-July 2004:
"The commission investigating 9/11 released two more staff reports on the hijacking plots. Contradicting [Dubya�s] claims...the commission found that there was no �collaborative relationship� between Iraq and al Qaeda."
source: americanprogress.org
4:20 a.m. - Jul. 22, 2005
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Flames, flames on the side of my face...
Flames, flames on the side of my face...
So, it was like totally sweltering yesterday. Thick, hot heat, heavy with the very best smog Hollywood has to offer. Nasty sweaty dirty, in addition to my brain melt and body bloating (see below), it was a marvelous day.
The marvelous part was to present itself upon my return home, where I could peel off my clothes, hop (with caution so as not to fall) in the shower, strap on a pair of light cotton PJs and watch The Simpsons, followed by So You Think You Can Dance.
I honestly don�t know how kitty survived the day without overheating. She seemed completely unaffected, long black fur and all. I damn near passed out upon entry due to the sauna-like temperature of our domicile. The difference being saunas are much cooler by comparison.
Front door still ajar, I slid the glass balcony screen open, clicked on the fan, and rolled all the windows up as high as they would go, hoping to create a draft. While I took a cold shower, more heat drifted in from outside. This was not exactly according to plan, although as an afterthought, I�m not sure how or why I expected the humidity in the air to magically decrease upon crossing the threshold of my humble abode. I was chill with wet after my rinse, then dry, then wet with hot sticky sweat. I wanted to die, but lacked the energy keel over.
Instead, I managed to lumber towards the couch and picked up the remote. Even the fucking television was radiating hotness. When my roommate sealed himself inside the refrigerator, I decided it was time for another cold shower.
The shower nozzle promptly broke, victim of a three-month-old maintenance request to fix a leak that finally busted the valve. Of all the days to go, no other would have had the same comedic timing. Magma spewed from the pipe thingie (non-technical term for the part that sticks out of the wall & connects to the head), nearly disintegrating my naked body with its violent, steamy flow. Hot water. Hot. Normally it takes a few seconds to reach boiling point, but logic is a funny, fickle thing and never applies in a dramatic situation. When something breaks, it has to be stuck on the most inconvenient setting.
With buckets of scalding water flushing down the shower drain, my bathroom quickly disappeared in a seething, evil fog that threatened to engulf my entire apartment. I closed the door tightly, praying the paint wouldn�t bubble and slide off the walls. With no other options, I decided it was time to spontaneously combust and went up in flames.
Well, I tried. I figured if my body temperature rose above 100 degrees, the apartment would have been much more tolerable. Basically a flawed attempt to balance the perception of heat, most likely turning me to ash had it been successful. I may have popped a blood vessel in my eye from the strain.
As my post from this morning indicates, sleep did not come easy in the oven that was my bed. I�m a little delirious, my vision is slightly blurred in one eye, and it�s still fucking hot as hell. I�m currently sitting in a puddle of my own body fluids.
Warning To All: Anyone that dares to ask if it�s "hot enough... " will die a slow and horrible death by my hands. I have a history of mental instability and the heat has warped the remains of my fragile little mind.
7:21 p.m. - Jul. 21, 2005
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goodbye fotopage
Goodbye Fotopage
Sorry but I don't love you anymore. I never did.
7:21 a.m. - Jul. 21, 2005
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brain melt
I had a brilliant, poignant entry swirling around in my head about something or another, but it�s so effing hot today my brain melted. Now I�m fat and stupid. Perhaps this will allow me to relate to the rest of the country a little better. Even so, I�d rather be a misunderstood outcast. Typical "Americans" are scary, and I don't want to be one of them.
Like that was ever an option
1:11 p.m. - Jul. 20, 2005
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Fergie Has A Fat Day
Fergie Has A Fat Day
I'm feeling like such a heifer today. Will you just look at how fat I am?? 
I know! Disgusting.
For my benefit, kitty took off this afternoon and ran me around the block. As I searched for her, images of flat road kill kitty flashed behind my eyes. I know my baby girl can take care of herself, but I still worry.
I'm so out of shape it hurts, literally. By the time I was huffing & puffing and finally gave up trying to find my little runaway, she'd made her way back to our apartment. The bitch was waiting for me at the door, pacing around like I was keeping her from an important appointment. I threatened to kick her ass but didn't have the energy. Then we both took a nap.
2:14 p.m. - Jul. 19, 2005
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Moving At The Speed Of \"Whenever\"
Moving At The Speed Of "Whenever"
This afternoon two female post office reps stopped by our shipping department to discuss international packages to Canada, as customs regulations have changed. They were flatly informed that we switched services to FedEx several months ago, when the changes took effect. At that time, all USPS mail was refused without indicating why the packages failed to pass through customs. We reported the problem at the end of February, and this visit was part of an incredibly weak, uninformed, and ill-timed response. The idea that our mail order business could move at such an insufferably slow pace was laughable, and the pair left within minutes.
Quality of service is at an all time low. It took FedEx almost three months to set up a simple ground service account & daily pick up for those same Canadian packages, even though we already have an existing account with them. Consumer driven companies are no longer effected by their own inept policies and �who gives a fuck� actions of underpaid staff, and simply to not seek to apply excellence in their business practices. They continue to itemize and charge for every single aspect of the service they provide; we�ve allowed big business to nick & dime us into oblivion.
I went to pay my cell phone bill in person with cash last week, and the Verizon store employee informed me it would be an additional $2 fee for processing. Fucking what? The payment is immediate and everything is being done electronically. It makes no fucking sense to charge customers to pay with cash in person at the store rather than mailing a check. Beyond ridiculous. What I absolutely adore is how the employees never give any indication that they disagree with whatever bullshit rule they�re about to enforce by applying a fee. With absolutely no thought behind the pure lunacy spewing from their mouths, they�ve accepted it and expect you to do the same.
I refuse, and find an alternative. In the time I�ve lived in L.A., I�ve been with more than six banks. They all piss me off at some point, forcing me to hate them forever, and I leave vowing never to return. Coming soon? I�ll find myself alienated by every major company in the free fucking world. I will be forced to disassociate myself from our consumer driven society out of spite, become a hermit and die alone.
The only alternative is to marry rich. Either I won�t give a flying fuck about wasting money on stupid petty shit, or I�ll own the company and the rules won�t apply to me anyway.
4:20 p.m. - Jul. 15, 2005
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Hell on Wheels
Hell on Wheels
While Christina Marie Sanchez Ford is at the shop getting her auto-mechanical makeover, my rideshare situation is starting to fall apart. I�ve been ever so fortunate to have Ernie�s van for the past couple of days. Even though it goes against my deep seeded hatred of oversized vehicles, I love driving the damn thing.
Downside to being in a boat is navigating these tiny L.A. streets. The self-important attitude of most commuters dictates that they obliviously cruise in the center of the roadway. On route to the office this morning, I slowed to a crawl as an oncoming car passed inches from my left. At that moment, some chick parked at the curb flung open her door without so much as a side-glance. She was halfway out of her car upon realizing her immediate course was set to impact, seizing the door a moment before it smacked into the side of the van, ricocheting back and crushing her against the frame of her own car. I would have laughed so hard. Then I would have kept driving.
11:02 a.m. - Jul. 13, 2005
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FAITH
FAITH
It seems to me this is a time for faith and true believers. Not allegiance to one particular religious brood or another, but sincere goodwill towards others.
Outside my hometown church of St. Luke�s, I�ve never looked to join a congregation. I basically grew up in that church, my church, where Mama Fergie served as the secretary. I accompanied her often. I�d been baptized, I later went through bible school and communion. I�m still officially a member of St. Luke�s. That�s my church. Still, I don�t self-identify as Lutheran or Christian but as "spiritual," whatever the fuck that means.
Reason being, I don�t agree with all the things, many of them specifically in regard to Jesus, but I won�t even get into it. One of my favorite pastors called the bible a �good book,� though noted it was just �a book� and not �the only� book. I believe a few people grew stiff at his comment, but mostly Lutherans in a small town aren�t that persnickety. In most people�s eyes it didn�t seem to matter what church anyone went to or how often they went, as long as they did. It�s a place of community gathering, young, old, and the very old. This is where lives are joined together in holy matrimony, and where we say a final goodbye to those who pass before us.
It�s easy for those of us that live outside the religious community to forget faith, to move thousands of miles away and leave it behind as part of our past. Problem lies in blaming everyone of faith for those sending an unwelcome message. Gays, etc. are not welcome in some places of worship, this is true. But honestly, don�t people who carry �God hates fags� signs have a completely different Lord in a totally opposite location? Hatred, intolerance, and bigotry are not Christian morals. We can�t lump everything from Falwell to the Vatican to St. Luke�s into a singular "church."
Have faith, and be nice to Christians. The real ones are pretty easy to spot.
12:59 a.m. - Jul. 12, 2005
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Cyclone of Hysteria
Cyclone of Hysteria
The downside of being such a violently confrontational person is that when I�m fucking pissed at someone - as I am now - and avoid verbalizing how much I want to kick that certain someone�s teeth in - as I have for the past several days - everyone around me is likely to suffer the effects of the subatomic rage swelling within me.
The office monkeys should all thank their lucky stars for Dianna, Goddess of Rock. She managed to effortlessly calm me down this morning with fresh coffee and chocolate. Not just any chocolate, creamy white chocolate from her recent trip to Sweden. Urge to kill, fading.
Because I�ve been making reference to various members of our crack staff so often, I will endeavor to add this update to the cast page. For now, see below.
Filchyboy � number two
Weezy
Ernie
Kink � Hilarious, wonderful, endearing and perverse.
Diana - Goddess of Rock
11:12 a.m. - Jul. 06, 2005
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Just Like Home
Just Like Home
At this very moment, there�s a group of people firecracker crackling in the driveway of our apartment building. Sparks are shooting into the street and onto parked cars, while a thick cloud of sulfur-smoke has drifted down the end of the block in both directions. The sudden loud popping cracks shot kitty into frenzy. She�s running from room to room with her eyes bulging and bushy tail flicking from side to side, certain we�re under some kind of attack.
At first, the whole scene really pissed me off. Total jackasses, right?
But then I started thinking; we used to do that shit all the time when we were growing up. I won�t make attempts to justify the actions of myself, my cousins, or those of our drunken uncles as we watched their display shoot off from atop the rooftops. I imagine the same fire hazards apply to small burgs the same as L.A. County, and half the fun was the thrill of getting caught. It�s just as illegal to blast homemade fireworks displays back in my hometown as it is here in Hollywood.
So, whatever! They didn�t set anything on fire, nobody died, kitty got over it, and I had a front row seat to some good old fashion 4th of July celebrations. Three sheets to the wind, setting fire to the sky on faith of goodwill.
Long live white trash and our ghetto kin, Yee-Haw!!
9:36 p.m. - Jul. 04, 2005
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July-05
4th of Deny
The upcoming holiday is a big question mark on my calendar. Are we celebrating independence from imperialist control, or the establishment of such influence over other nations by military force? I'm very confused lately. So, I'm going to play it safe and just wish y�all a happy long weekend.
7:04 p.m. - Jul. 01, 2005
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