fergie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello, my name is... what? Hello, my name is... what? Letting the receptionist know I�d arrived for my appointment, he stared blankly and asked my name. "I�m Fergie," I said, putting fourth sincere effort to make eye contact. No dice. "Freddy?" He asked in the general direction of my shoulder with a look of confusion. After correcting him three times, the look only intensified. I spelled out F-E-R-G-I-E. He cocked his head to the side, like a dog picking up high frequency sounds emitted by a passing car. Somehow my vocal tone remained inaudible, though mere inches in front of him. I had no choice but to delicately remove the pen from his hand and use the instrument to poke him in the eye. 10:01 p.m. - Aug. 30, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rub-a-Dub-Dub Fergie: I just got a group email about a gay cruise.. only $1000 isingalong: Only.. lol Fergie: It will be the largest in history w/3000+ gay boys on a floating disco isingalong: Ugh Fergie: I know! Guarantee I�d throw someone overboard isingalong: On 2,998 different occasions Fergie: Well, by "someone" I mean "me" and by "throw" I mean "jump" isingalong: 3000 gays = drama Fergie: Actually, it wouldn't be so bad.. if by "drama" you mean "orgy" 2:34 p.m. - Aug. 25, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The State of Consumer Affairs The State of Consumer Affairs "Oh, you�re having financial difficulty? In that case, there will be an extra charge for this service. Please hold." 4:20 p.m. - Aug. 24, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WWIII Bush Compares War on Terror to WWI & WWII Dubya refuses to give up the Sadam/Osama connection, in spite of credible evidence to the contrary (as presented by his own trusted sources in the CIA, FBI, & PTA). With little variation, Dubya�s only recourse in the face of adversity is to restate his same ridiculous propaganda; that a continued strike in the Middle East will protect us from The Terrorists. It doesn�t even piss me off anymore, because I know there is great potential the truth will eventually reveal George W. Bush as not only the worst US president of all time, but also one of the most deplorable political figures in history. The simpleton routine and tsunami of misinformation that surround his political agenda have slapped me in the face until completely numb. Still, I�m mad as hell. I feel his constant references to 911 in effort to justify ongoing military invasion of Iraq is despicable in its acceptance by the rest of the US government, our national media and general population. While yes, obviously many have given their voice to speak out about Dubya�s blatant lies and manipulations; the monetary and human expense of his actions has been met with astounding ambivalence. Like, everyone I know is really pissed, but fear of things to come has us completely immobilized. Why? Hey dude, we tried. Remember the protests? There must be some recollection, because it really didn't start out as such a little thing, being a global anti-war protest. It was one of the largest demonstrations of its kind in history. Ever curious as to why the citizens of other nations �allies who expressed heartfelt condolences after 911 (even though we basically continue to ignore the regularity of terrorist activity around the rest of world)� were compelled to protest our actions in record numbers? Power to the people doesn't change a fucking thing. All I'm saying is, Clinton was almost impeached over a blow-job. If he'd been responsible for the current death toll in Iraq an angry mob would have literally pushed their way past secret service and dragged �ol Billy by the ears from the White House. Then he would have been shot on the street and set on fire.
10:01 p.m. - Aug. 22, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I said KITTY NO! I said KITTY NO! Much as I love my baby girl, this morning I woke up with tail in my mouth. No kitty, no. The only reason I let her on my bed in the first place is because she just waits until I�m asleep and jumps in with me anyway. Now that I officially let her on the bed, she�s taken her privileges for granted, insists on love before allowing me any rest, and is getting far too close for comfort. I�m willing to compromise, but hair tongue is a deal breaker. 3:13 p.m. - Aug. 18, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Slapstick All The Way Slapstick All The Way Like, how could I ever forget the guy that never called again after I laughed at an old man when he toppled over a nearby table during our first and only date? Actually, I don�t remember the date or his name so much as the oldfentimer crashing into the table. Pretty sure I got laid, though. 2:21 p.m. - Aug. 16, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fun with the FDA Guy Fun with the FDA Guy Holding the door as he left with an armful of materials to test, FDA Guy missed the step and almost fell flat on his face. I wet myself laughing so hard, immediately running around the office telling everyone, �You totally missed it! The FDA Guy just about ate shit right now! AH-HAHAHA!!� I would have felt bad if he�d fallen, because I would have laughed even harder. That�s got to hurt! In retrospect, I guess I could have warned him about the step. 12:21 p.m. - Aug. 08, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Bernard Saves the Day Mr. Bernard Saves the Day Couldn�t call into the office to let them know I was running way behind schedule, as my cell was MIA this morning. I hate running late for no stupid reason. Lots of twirling around my apartment, ran downstairs to check in the car, requested roommate call my phone. Nada. Damn! LOST LOST LOST!! I FUCKING LOST MY CELL!! Wah. Just in case I needed a reminder that my life sucks, I had to hit every red light? Seriously. Every. Single. Fucking. Light. Each time, just as it changed, ensuring the longest possible wait. I mean, come on! Of course, Christina Marie Sanchez-Ford was sputtering out of gas. I stopped and put $15 in her tank. The pump readout induced a feeling of lightheadedness, a little over five gallons. That�s about $3 for enough petrol to fill a milk carton. I say eff that. If I hadn�t paid first, today would go down in history as the beginning of my career as a fuel bandit. Fortunately, a morning blast of classical music managed to calm me down by the time I got into Hollywood. Oh, and then! My hero, Mr. Bernard, stopped by Condomania HQ on his way to work to drop off my cell, which I left at his place last night after watching Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. It totally paid off to pack the cell phone charger in my usually overstuffed bag. 'Scope calls for �lavish praise & generous spending.� Today could be fabulous, after all. Fergie: FFF Meanwhile, one of Ernie�s vehicles was stolen off the street right outside his window. In south central, imagine that?! The LAPD originally told him that he�d have to pay $900 for the towing and impound services in order to get his own car back. Excuse me, crime victim what? Like all government agencies, the city of Los Angeles can�t save a few bucks by useing AAA roadside service, it seems. This morning, Ernie was informed that if he didn�t want to pay to retrieve his car, he could sign it over and allow it to be auctioned off. This fee is a less jaw dropping $96, though even more asinine, as the sale of the auto goes to the city! I saw eff that. Tonight, we�re stealing his car back. I hope I get to run over someone or cause bodily harm with a tire iron. That would be awesome. Mr. Bernard has a Mustang, so he�s already been tapped to drive as a decoy. The authorities might require some form of distraction while we break Ernie's 5-speed out of the impound lot. 2:25 p.m. - Aug. 05, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- August-05 Perfection! I�m beginning to understand that many motivating factors have their own set of immediate repercussions. I�ve always done my studies in order to receive high marks, for example. A poor grade is the direct result of unfinished homework. In effect, consequences create motivation. This leaves a bit of a question mark when it comes to self-improvement. Yes, I know if I don�t quit smoking and improve my eating habits I�ll develop health problems and die. I�m planning to die anyway, since that�s part of the deal we all have with life, so death doesn�t really scare or motivate me. See the problem? I�ve never been lazy; I simply feel I deserve a pampered lifestyle. Without applying some sort of effort, however, it does get rather boring. So, I�m left trying to find ways to motivate myself. To that end, I started a new weblog all about building a better me, created a schedule to keep myself on task for my writing endeavors, and have convinced myself that I absolutely cannot purchase a particular item on my shopping list until the money I�ve saved by not smoking covers its cost. As G-d as my witness, I will shop again. 6:36 p.m. - Aug. 03, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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