fergie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Big Floppy Donkey Dick Big Floppy Donkey Dick Last night I made my gay cable TV debut with a segment about safer-sex for �On Q LIVE� As this fledgling network isn�t currently available in the Los Angeles area, I had no idea what to expect. I was there to discuss recent technological advancements in condom manufacturing that allow men to order condoms according to their individual measurements. Next thing I know, some dude in a thin white g-string is standing next to my TheyFit size chart expecting a live demonstration. Keeping his undergarment in place, the chart was posed next to his gigantic bulge, which measured at the top of the scale on an ENLARGED FOR TV MODEL CHART. After we finished taping, the producer grabbed me by the arm and said, "Let�s go watch him change." We did, and he did, giving us a little show of our own. The dick was so big, it was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Long live the homosexual media revolution! 3:53 p.m. - Jan. 28, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- employee benefits ScoobySnack: We should work together. I�m wearing my special pants today Fergie: You mean �special� like magic? ScoobySnack: Yes. I got gum in the pocket and instead of trying to clean them I just cut out the pocket Fergie: So, I could touch your wand whenever I wanted? ScoobySnack: Yep Fergie: Now that�s my kind of employee benefits package... 2:34 p.m. - Jan. 26, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Negative IQ Negative IQ We�ve all done our fair share of absent minded things. There�s a gaping divide between complete idiocy and the occasional slip, however. Every time I think I�ve lowered the bar, some moron takes it as a personal challenge. �Well, if you think that was stupid�� It can be highly amusing, yet leaves a bad taste in my mouth. My parents will tell you they were unprepared and terrified, but I assure you they thought of me first. The fact they thought of me at all probably left me better off than most. Beyond that they actually taught me things, like how to read. Most importantly, they taught me to think for myself and allowed me to make my own decisions, provided I found a way to make arrangements on my own as well. Once I was able to make my own choices, getting there was part of my job too. THINK, people. I know it�s hard, and usually provide ample example of my own mental misfires. Let�s try together, I know we can get there; it just takes a little work. You know, like everything else. 10:20 a.m. - Jan. 24, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TAG! TAG! Since you asked, Kitten, here are five random things you probably didn�t know about your virtual gay boyfriend. 1)-If either of my brothers called to speak with me, you�d think they had the wrong number. �Wes� is my middle name, short for Wesley, although my entire family calls me by my first. Both my grandfather and great-grandfather on my mother�s side also dropped their first names, a little factoid even I didn�t know until after the fact, when my Aunt Dee commented on this family tradition. I�ve never requested that they call me by my new identity, but I don�t allow anyone outside my bloodline to address me by that childhood name. 2)-I�m a closet kleptomaniac and pilfer office supplies, like toilet paper. One time, I lifted a pair of sunglasses while having a conversation with the store�s manager. This was several years ago. I swear I�m getting help. 3)-Chapstickaholic by default. Severe gloss abuse has left me unable to produce my own lip spit. 4)-I moved to Hollywood to become, of all things, an actor. My biggest role before the move was playing Willy Wonka at the Fort Findlay Playhouse. The standing ovation at the end of each show did something to my head, which never stopped growing. I do not take direction well and have a very high IQ, so this was a poor career choice. I certainly don�t mean to imply that all thespians are stupid, only television and movie stars. Thus, my focus shifted to broadcasting and journalism.
Now it�s your turn, my pretties� I hold the following d-land buddies personally responsible for fucking up the super fun �TAG!� part of this entry. Dammit, when will you people quit locking your most intimate thoughts away from the rest of the world?!!? At least email me with your user/pass. I mean, come on. BONUS ROUND!! 4:14 p.m. - Jan. 18, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jay is a slutbag P.S. � Jay is a slutbag (and that�s why we like him) Mr. Bernard's new roommate made a bet that he could go without sexual contact for a week. Three days later, Jay the slutty new roommate lost the wager. It's not a bad thing, in fact most of my friends have loose morals. I don't judge, I enable. I gave Jay a big bucket o' lube for Christmas. Meanwhile, I continue to maintain the notion that I'm not a whore. I'm just popular! That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 12:37 p.m. - Jan. 13, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pit Sweat Phobia Pit Sweat Phobia I think I�m paranoid. Actually, I am quite certain of it. The mound of tissue in my wastebasket is a searing wave of reality. I�ve developed an unnatural fear of armpit sweat. I�m sure I�ve mentioned before that I pluck or shave every hair on my body. It should therefore be understood that my underarm pubes are neatly trimmed to the point of Men�s Health cover model perfection. This serves an aesthetic purpose, and eliminates the possibility of walking around with wet shrubs under my arms. With my vigorous grooming schedule I�m not worried about any particular aroma, just sweat stains on my clothing. I have expensive taste. To further avoid a potentially damp situation, in addition to my normal anti-perspirant and deodorant, I�ve started tucking Kleenex in my pits. And you thought only chicks stuffed their shirts. This method occasionally breaks down when a stray tissue makes an escape, dislodging itself, flopping to the ground. It�s hot in Hollywood today. The sleeveless t-shirt I have on leaves me without a place to hide my extra sweat guards. I�m totally freaking out. This is like, the worst Friday the 13th ever. 12:21 p.m. - Jan. 13, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Truth doesn�t hurt, it is simply the truth Truth doesn�t hurt, it is simply the truth The world is not divided into good and bad, positive or negative; it simply IS. As we realize imperfections within ourselves and everything around us, we choose to assign some type of value (good/bad). There�s no giant cosmic scale weighing the balance. Although you may determine a particular experience has a negative impact, it certainly doesn�t erase or somehow cancel out something positive. Just as it would be na�ve to imagine a perfect world in which everyone is happy all the time, it is equally foolish to assume an imperfect world holds only sadness. Our perspective in any given situation makes all the difference. Here's a trick that works for me, simply keep this in mind: In 100 years, we'll all be dead and none of this will matter anyway. Our problems are tiny, insignificant, and our time is limited. Keep looking for bad stuff in this life and you will continue to find it. You can make the best or worst of any situation. Either way, the choice is yours. And that, dear readers, is the truth. 4:20 p.m. - Jan. 09, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knowing Homosexual Eyebrow Knowing Homosexual Eyebrow Due to the overwhelming yeti population near Condomania headquarters, a private security team has been assigned to circulate the neighborhood after dark. Nothing makes me feel safer than unarmed patrol officers on bikes. Those little white safety helmets and reflective yellow vests really do it for me. In addition to the snappy wardrobe, Big Brother Eye strikes fear in the hearts of criminals. No recent break-ins have been reported. Transvestites have stopped smoking crack in the Hollywood Tow lot across the street. Curious, a couple of our police radio wired friends stopped by the other evening to check us out, making sure things were safe and secure. As they were leaving one of the pair turned and gave me the knowing homosexual eyebrow, a clear signal of GLBT acknowledgement. She asked if we had any dental dams. "Girl, you know we do." I said, leveling eyes with her. "Would you like strawberry, vanilla, or wildberry?" She left with a pocket full of latex barriers and a smile, excitedly calling her girl for some late night lesbian love action. Sometimes I really love my job. 11:15 a.m. - Jan. 06, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shock & Awe Shock & Awe So, I�m on my way into the office this morning and decided to stop for gas on the way. Finished, some idiot woman pulls up behind me and honks her horn signaling me to move the moment I set both feet back in my car. I calmly turned on the engine and waited for the tank indicator to adjust the little orange needle as she pulled closer and honked again impatiently. Suddenly and without warning I cranked it in reverse, pulling to the left just inches away from sideswiping impact. Then I came to a complete stop, rolled down my window and outstretched my free arm, extending a middle finger directly in her stupid fucking face. The bitch reacted with a look of utter shock, like I�d randomly performed such a display completely out of the blue. I love it when my crazy switch flips so far up above and beyond the offense that I become the bigger asshole in the exchange. Awesome. 11:11 a.m. - Jan. 05, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- exploding head Can't sleep, head exploding The part that really sucks about not getting a wink of shut eye is realizing the alarm will go off before falling into slumber. Or, as in my case, twisted in pain, brain threatening to explode, praying the buzz of the high pitched alert from the digital clock doesn�t set off an aneurysm or something. I ate some bread and drank a full glass of water, washing down the last Tylenol in this mutha-fucking joint after discovering several empty bottles stashed in various drawers and cabinets. Christ on a cracker, I�m the kind of freak who saves over-the-counter painkiller bottles but never re-fills them with anything. Maybe an aneurysm wouldn�t be so bad; in fact it might be a step up from my current state of affairs. But hell, it's a beautiful day. Might as well live. 4:56 a.m. - Jan. 03, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jan.2006 New Dawn, Next Year, Big Deal There�s always a great deal of jabber jawing about resolutions and change at the dawn of a new year, yet change is something that happens everyday. It�s not magic. Finding motivation to get off our lazy asses and actively make adjustments in our daily lives does take a little enchantment, however. 10:01 a.m. - Jan. 01, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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