fergie's Diaryland Diary
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schooled
Stuff I learned today:
Conjoined twins, attached at the head, can share digestive functions. One eats and the other potties. I do not understand how this works, exactly, but it was on "Good Morning America" today. One of the girls eats for the both of them, the other urinates it out. One of the girls has kidneys, the other doesn't.
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Jumbo sperm or killer sea animal?
The irukandji jellyfish (pictured above) is one of the smallest and most deadly animals in the world. The thimble-sized fish has a translucent body with up to 12 inch trailing stingers containing venom described by scientists as among the deadliest in the animal world.
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B-ball star Tony Parker not only speaks French, but has released a rap album. In French. I actually kind of like it. Not to mention, this boy has got to be packing it. Hey Tony, "Move Yourself" over here so I can break me off a piece of that! Word.
11:14 a.m. - Mar. 30, 2007
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lazyboy
Lazy, baby
Christ, I must be like the laziest person on earth. There is absolutely no reason for not updating last week, other than sheer lack of effort on my part. In fact my entire web site has been left for dead. I haven't updated my photos since I don't even know when. My "about" page is not only outdated but also has a glaring type-o that I haven't made any effort to correct.
Ladies and gentlemen, motivation has left the building.
After I get home from the gym, I flop my ass on the couch and watch repeats of "The Simpsons" that I've already seen like 500 times. Then I eat dinner -- while watching TV -- watch more TV, then shower, brush my teeth and go to bed. What up with my lazy butt lately? Frankly, my butt is none of your business.
What matters at this moment is my new fascination with elitist toys. I had no idea doll collecting had gotten so cut throat and bitchy and I love it.
OK so get this. Supposedly the holy grail of doll makers in the U.S. is this place called American Girl. I say supposedly because until today, I'd never heard of them. They look like any other doll, but retail for about a hundred dollars. I guess that's what makes them so extra fancy.
These baby dolls also come with a full support team, including a doll hospital. I guess if one of the arms pops out or whatever the company will fix it for you. I don't know if there is a charge for that service, but I imagine there must be after learning their baby doll salon costs $20 for a style session. That's right. Little girls take their baby dolls to an actual, physical, non-pretend "doll salon" and pay a "doll stylist" to give their doll a new hairdo. I'm fucking for real.
And even better, they not only reserve the right to refuse service to potential customers but strictly enforce their right to refuse service. Especially if you come in to their salon with some ragged ass Target doll. Puh-lease, low rent bitches! If real life has taught you anything, then you should be well aware that poor people don't deserve to be pampered, and neither do their dolls!
Sadly, it seems that Etta, the little girl who was refused doll hair salon service, will never learn her place, as evident from this rant on her mother's weblog. Bitch dares to complain that she got attitude from a doll hair stylist.
My favorite comments in reply to her post are below. The last one being the all-time best:
"Just because I've paid $100 for a baby doll for my daughter doesn't make me a snobby bitch or someone who condones bad service. Thrifty obviously doesn't necessarily equal good, smart or nice just as big spenders aren't all mean-spirited elitist cows."
"My favorite doll growing up was a no-name, but it never mattered to me -- kids shouldn't be concerned with the pedigree of their favorite toy."
"This American Girl concept is really silly. The only thing American about it is convincing people to spend twice as much as they need to on an identical product because it has a cool logo."
8:57 a.m. - Mar. 29, 2007
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horoscope
horoscope bitch slap
Aries | Wednesday, March 28, 2007 -- Your creative efforts may be blocked today because you are taking yourself too seriously.
10:12 p.m. - Mar. 28, 2007
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Queer4Jesus
Queer for Jesus
Religious cults have long fascinated me. There are a multitude of reasons, not the least of which includes their bizarre antics and belief systems.
Sex often plays a major role with these groups, perhaps none more so than The Family, a cult that literally used to fish for new members by hooking up with random strangers in order to introduce them to the organization. Donations for the church were accepted post-coitus.
Anyway, I guess the plan was to fuck people into submission or some shit like that. This tactic was used to lure men into the group, so I suspect it was highly successful.
The Family currently practices something called "Loving Jesus," which encourages members to imagine that Jesus is having sex with them during sexual intercourse and masturbation.
The best part is, and this is really the kicker, male members are told to visualize themselves as women, in order to avoid a homosexual relationship with Jesus.
First of all, Jesus is kind of hot with his stigmata and all, so I can understand the attraction. When the bible says he was "blessed," I think everyone agrees it refers to his genitalia. Talk about a divine rod.
But if the man is pretending to be a woman, and both he and his female partner are fantasizing that Jesus is getting it on with them, is that like a lesbian three-way with the lord? Or maybe it's like transsexual group sex.
I'm not sure I've completely wrapped my mind around "Loving Jesus."
Yes, religious cults fascinate me. I may start my own one day. And we will be gay for G-d.
2:16 p.m. - Mar. 21, 2007
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Non-committal
Nice & Non-committal
Given my personality, you'd think I would be more direct. A simple yes or no will do, so my answer when someone invites me to some event is, at best, usually a strong maybe.
If I say yes and don't go, then I'd be going back on my word. I hate flaky people and don't want to be thought of in that way. But if I say no, that might seem like I'm rejecting someone's company, not the invitation, and they may not include me next time around.
In particular, I don't like rejecting people. It's my one weakness. I can tell someone off for being an asshole, reject non-fashionable clothing from across the room even if my best friend picked it out for me and I have no problem debating politics or personal ideologies, but when someone extends themselves to me it's hard to decline the offer.
Even when that offer is completely unappealing.
Maybe it's because I wasn't popular as a kid. Perhaps I have some fucked up philological issue, but even when an overly-forward individual I don't know approaches me in a bar and makes it clear they want to take me home all I can ever think to say is: Well I don't want to leave my friends. Anyway, I should catch up with them.
And then I run away.
Unfortunately that doesn't work for some people, really thick-headed people who are clueless. Although to be fair, communication should be direct. When you tell someone something, it should be clear. You don't want them guessing at innuendo.
Because when you say you're going to find your friends thinking you are giving someone the clue to leave you alone, they find you later among your group of friends and pick up where you hoped to leave off.
Then you have to tell them you're not interested and they get all mad. Like it's your fault they're unattractive.
2:10 p.m. - Mar. 19, 2007
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nipplefoot
Nipple Foot
Okay, this freaks me out so much I can't even show a picture of this poor sap's nipple foot in my weblog, but if you follow the link and scroll down, you'll see the disturbing growth on this dude's foot. Or maybe it's a she-dude, I didn't really pay attention because the photo was freaking me out. All I know is that when this unlucky bastard/bitch went to the doctor they discovered a fully developed nipple was growing out the bottom of their foot. Ew! So gross!
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Seen '300' in theaters? Now see (the outline of) Gerard Butler's peen right here on your monitor. Pre-buff movie body, but quite a nice wang.
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Sometimes freedom of speech is annoying. Like for example, when someone defends derogatory remarks they've made by saying that in America we're supposed to be able to express our opinions. Supposedly this is our first amendment right or something like that. While technically true, I've never really considered name calling an opinion. That's just talking trash. And yet, freedom of speech is not freedom from offensiveness. I just feel like if you're going to resort to name calling, own up to being an immature twat who can't think of an intelligent comeback, rather than proclaiming it is your first amendment right to call someone a fat ugly bitch. That's what I do, stupid dicks!
1:35 p.m. - Mar. 16, 2007
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scratch
Cat Scratch Fever
I have run out of things to write about. Here is a video of a cat attacking a reporter. The best part is when she cries.
2:01 p.m. - Mar. 15, 2007
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fabfag
Fabulous & Fagulous
Madonna: Fabulous
Say what you will, this bitch is still working it. And she's funny.
There's an H&M here in Los Angeles, and they have ok stuff I guess, except you have to shop at a mall to get it.
Call me a snob, whatever, malls are gross and I generally avoid them like the plague. I can't stand one-stop shops like Target either. Nothing wrong with a good deal, it's just the bad lighting and overly large space that bugs. Also, these types of places attract a lower class of sub-human species and I am an elitist prick.
One thing about my H&M shopping experience that stuck out was how much makeup all the male employees were wearing, like eyeliner is required or something. They all seem to have a superior attitude, like they're the shit because they work at a discount bargain bin. I did find a super-cute pair of sunglasses for $7, so I guess it was all worth it.
Samwell: Fagulous
What what in the butt? I think I've played that game before.
11:12 a.m. - Mar. 08, 2007
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homecoming
Homecoming
I've been doing a little moonlighting lately. I've made my best efforts to develop a more intense gym routine, too (more intense, than, say for example sitting on my ass all day). And after falling back into some old habits with my diet, I've recommitted to putting less junk food in my body. Soda is once again off limits!
I've been doing all kinds of stuff, and I'm sore.
Still aching a bit from Monday's leg blast; it's been awhile since I've given my legs, hips and lower back such a working-over outside of sexually related activities. What? Getting laid is like a totally good workout. Burns calories and counts as cardio, I'm totally serious for reals. Can also double as yoga/body resistance routine, if you're balancing in difficult to maintain poses.
Also a bit sore from what I call the abs-dominator. It's a weighted reverse crunch machine that looks like the sort of contraption you'd expect to find in an S&M dungeon. You lie flat on your back, strap yourself in and -- with the attached weight around your ankles -- hoist your legs up in the air. Seriously gay. If I wasn't so overly confident to the point of delusion, lying on my back in the middle of the gym with a bunch of buff mens around me while I flip my legs over my head repeatedly might make me feel awkward or vulnerable or something. Anyway I got a couple numbers so I guess it pays to advertise.
Meanwhile, a couple of my co-workers participated in the St. Baldrick's Foundation event last night and now they are bald. I don't really know how shaving your head helps cure cancer, but I'm sure there's more to it than a haircut. Anyways my point is that chicks do not look good bald. That is all I have to say about that.
11:52 a.m. - Mar. 07, 2007
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fanmail
Best Fan Mail Ever
Message sent through your website:
from = savio
message = i love you and i want to do sex whis you fergie please? yes or no
Thanks Savio, for getting right to the point. The "yes or no" tag at the end makes it extra direct. No hello how are you or personal introduction. I'm such a whore I'll do it with any random stranger who sends me a message through my website, and you know it.
5:12 p.m. - Mar. 06, 2007
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potheadbaby
SICK SAD WORLD: MONDAY EDITION
Top Story -- Teenagers Teach Toddlers to Smoke Pot
In a typical display of modern video documentary trends, idiot kids don't just participate in a series of dumb-headed and illegal activities but also videotape themselves doing it, as teens teach a two and a five-year-old how to smoke a joint.
By the way, I know five-year-olds are no longer considered "toddlers," but my job as a writer is to make an already jaw-dropping story even more sensational. That's what good journalists do. Teaching a child to smoke is one thing, smoking pot takes it to another level, and marijuana-toking babies takes the story over the top.
From the AP: In the video, the children are called "potheads" and a man can be seen placing a marijuana cigarette into a baby's mouth. In another part of the video a boy is seen smoking on his own. The children were also asked if they "have the munchies."
I don't know what on Earth could possibly motivate someone to get an infant high, like babies aren't wobbly or incoherent enough as it is. I guess the dog was already really baked.
9:00 a.m. - Mar. 05, 2007
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MAR-07
DAMN!!!
I was so excited for a second
Looking at my bank account
I was like ... OMG I have money
YAY! LOTS OF MONEY
Then I was all, oh wait, I have to pay rent
Damn
9:25 a.m. - Mar. 01, 2007
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