fergie's Diaryland Diary

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Refrigerator Mutations

Refrigerator Mutations
There�s more than just a sugar penis in my refrigerator. Not much more, but a few items, like pepsi and butter. The rest is a scary mess. We don�t cook in our house. Neither my roommate nor I are even sure how the stove works. Our cabinets are bare, and even the famous LA roaches have long given up hope of finding a meal and moved elsewhere.

So what happens is that one of us will be struck by the idea that we are like normal people who can cook for themselves. We�ll then go out and buy things from the store that eventually go to waste. Today a curious bug bit me as I opened the refrigerator door, and I was compelled to clean out the wasteland of week old take-out leftovers and other aforementioned scary messy things.

In my excavation I found an unopened milk container with a December 29th due date, carrot sticks wrapped in a ziplock bag that had turned white, 3 containers of thai food, a pizza box, an empty pesto container, assorted jack-in-the-box condiments, and some margarita mix. A cup of yogurt won the award for longest time spent in the refrigerator. The label read: Best if used before March 21, 2001. Some sort of pie thing was in there too. The crust had turned black and the filling looked kind of white and milky. I honestly have no idea what that could have started out as. Pumpkin, maybe? That dates it back to at least November 2001. The bigger question is how a pie got in the fridge in the first place, since neither us have any clue as to how to make one. I don�t really even eat pie. After seeing this thing, I may never eat pie again.

Perhaps some people are not made for full size refrigerators. Maybe the idea that every household should have the same sort of conventional appliances is one more traditional ideal that can be swept out of my home. The kitchen would look beautiful with a full bar where that oversized bacteria incubator is sitting, and we�d at least get some use out of it. If there were a small cooling unit at the bottom it could hold our juice and soda, otherwise known as mixers.

I could revolutionize the modern kitchen space in apartments all over LA, and turn everyone into drunks in one fowl swoop. Ha! HAHA! Hahaha!

Please excuse me, the fumes from the refrigerator have seeped into my head. I think I�ll go lie down now.

5.18.02

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