fergie's diary

fergie's Diaryland Diary

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discoSLUT

Fergie as discoSLUT

12:13 a.m. - Oct. 31, 2005

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pumkin keys

I donï¿½t know if it has anything to do with running into Fabio at the gym or not, but I must have been in some sort of delirious state last night when I returned home. My keys evaded me for the better part of an hour this morning. I say eff that, stupid keys.

This weekend leads us right into the Halloween Hurrah Monday night on Santa Monica Blvd. I frickin' love this holiday

2:41 p.m. - Oct. 28, 2005

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snarky

I was completely beat down with a flu-like something until mid afternoon yesterday. Had a paper due, fell behind on other deadlines. Didnï¿½t check email for almost four days. Seriously, people thought I was dead.

I donï¿½t know if everyone experiences this, but I call it the Sick Bounce. Its right after your body is done being sick, like a flick of a switch, and suddenly a fury of energy animates every inch of your being. In a nanosecond, I was back to my usual fast-paced & annoyingly snarky self.

2:34 p.m. - Oct. 25, 2005

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Not Always So Ravishing

Devil!

Not Always So Ravishing
Someone always wants to take my picture when Iï¿½m looking a total mess. It really is quite impossible to exist in a consumer market without a bank account, and after my recent lamenting in regard to financial woes it became rather obvious I need to rectify the situation immediately. Last week I stopped by BofA on the way to Condomania HQ, they needed a snapshot for my new visa check card. I know this doesnï¿½t serve much in the way of protection against fraud, unless it mysteriously falls out of my wallet or if Iï¿½m stupid enough to leave the damn thing stuck in an ATM.

Iï¿½ve pulled that trick before, so itï¿½s not likely to happen again. Unless Iï¿½m drunk. While a possibility, Iï¿½m well aware, of course, that people who commit credit fraud donï¿½t need a physical card if they hack the number from one of a zillion databases with my most personal of information.

Anyway, whatever, it canï¿½t hurt anything, right? Look here and smile, think beautiful thoughts. A challenge before noon. As it turns out, I was wrong. Having a picture on your check card can, in fact, be quite harmful, to the ego.

4:44 p.m. - Oct. 17, 2005

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Anorexic Kitty

Anorexic Kitty
Taking notice of her plump belly, I bought kitty some special pet food from Trader Joeï¿½s. As with most of the stuffs at TJï¿½s, the label proudly boasts main ingredients derived from organic material (non-chemical). In this case, it was REAL chicken stock. Those fake chickens are simply no good, even if theyï¿½re based with liquid Splenda. Consistent with TJï¿½s mission, kittyï¿½s new yum yum has no preservatives or artificial whatever. I felt like such a good daddy, and knew I was doing the right thing.

My pussy won't eat it.

While I strive for ways to be BETTER by 30, kitty has made it quite obvious thereï¿½s one old bitch in our house thatï¿½s happily set in her ways. Without a more directly effective mode of communication, she simply stopped eating as of three days ago. Of course I noticed immediately, usual get-home routine is 1-2-3:FeedKitty (1-hang keys on the hook by the door, 2-remove personal effects such as sunglasses, etc., 3-proceed directly into kitchen and feed the screaming kitty). Naturally, my first reaction was to ask why she hadnï¿½t eaten all day. ï¿½Meiii-iiooooow!! Meeehh! Meeehh!ï¿½ She wailed, and then added, ï¿½Reiiii-aaeehhh!ï¿½ My translation of the language is rather well developed, and I took this to mean ï¿½Kitty wants food NOo-oOWw!! Kitty! Food! NOo-oOWw! Kitty! Hey! Kitty! Food!ï¿½

I thought she was in a state of slight-adjustment-in-daily-routine shock at first. Kitty likes what kitty knows, so what the fuck is this shit in her bowl? While somewhat picky in regard to fish flavored nibble over chicken, itï¿½s not like her to completely ignore a meal. Table food is never a miss, and REAL chicken stock must be similar to diced KFC leftovers picked off the bone, right?

Besides, as the only option, she was sure to adjust rather quickly. My first resort was to throw everything out of the bowl, wash, dry, and refill. With a clean bowl and fresh food in place, dinner time would be that much better after skipping breakfast. Kitty sat, contemplated for a moment, and decided to pass.

I will not tolerate attitude from a furry little animal, ignoring her snooty attitude while she made a production out of walking away from her bowl and plopping herself down in the next room with her back to the kitchen. Whatever, bitchy kitty! Iï¿½m on a strangulating budget; puss chow is bought and paid for until next payday, period.

Yesterday, I made an immediate concession and promised weï¿½d switch back to the regular dry old deli cat she likes next time. This was a lie. Cats have no sense of time, by then, sheï¿½s be used to the REAL High Quality food. Mixing new with what little old remained in the container, I served up a deceptive dish to an eager beaver who purred to thank me loudly. At first. When close enough to get a deeper whiff of strange new something poorly masked as her usual food, kitty sat for a moment, administered another sniff test, and decided to pass.

Now she was being a total diva, and was quickly informed there would be none of it. I walked into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. Thus, kitty had the option to put her little show on pause, enjoy a somewhat customary supper, and leave more than enough in the bowl to make her pissy point. I held onto the possibly she might even enjoy some of the foreign matter mixed within.

But no, the fast continued. This evening was the end of day three. I returned home late, or, very early, depending on how you look at it. From context clues such as the untouched bowl of food and a slightly feral glint racing behind yellow eyes peering out from the shadow of the corner, it would be fair to conclude kittyï¿½s not on board with the plan. There was also a memo printed on her stationary stuck to the fridge:

Miss Chaos Kitty would like to state - for the record - that she was not consulted about any new plan, nor is she going on a new plan, and sheï¿½ll fucking starve herself to death before she has it any other way.

There was no fuss or fight, despite another earnest effort to sell my better pitch. Giving a heartfelt final plea, I (once again) presented her majesty REAL chicken meal in perfectly bite size morsels. With a razor sharp flip of the tail, not a moment of consideration passed as kitty did just that. Black fur hung mid-air, swirling suggestively with the force of speed that leaves patches of stray hair behind just sticking in place.

Grabbing keys off the hook by the door, I tucked a five dollar bill in my back pocket and walked down the street to 7/11. Really canï¿½t justify making poor kitty suffer for her own benefit, even if she resists by default of being entirely unable to comprehend my motive.

Iï¿½ll be lookinï¿½ & feelinï¿½ better, sheï¿½ll be eatinï¿½ deli cat & not giving a shit. Anyway, already figured I'd outlive her, no reason to risk tempting kitty to kill me in my sleep. When she's not looking, I'll mix in a cupful of REAL chicken meal in with the usual container, just out of spite.

3:23 a.m. - Oct. 16, 2005

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wholelottachattin

theschlong: hey there!

Fergie: goes to figureï¿½ the karate kid & I were just talking about you the other night @ Drewby's bday fiesta

(no/rp)

Fergie: and I said...

theschlong: lets catch up sometime... can't right now

Fergie: ï¿½I haven't talked to her in ages, itï¿½s like, sheï¿½s such a whoreï¿½far too preoccupied with dick to communicate effectively

theschlong: Iï¿½m at a friendï¿½s place

(f: note mysterious status & location of said ï¿½friendï¿½ ...whore)

Fergie: well you better email me, and soon, dammit!!!

theschlong: sorry... just been busy

Fergie: lol...j/k.. it's n/p

Fergie: bitch

- - and at that exact same time - -

Fergie: I called you the other day...

agent007: I was in Montrï¿½al

Fergie: technically, I was calling you back...

agent007: I had called you on Friday from the airport

Fergie: and there you go

agent007: yes :-)

Fergie: ...so, why Canada?

agent007: black & blue festival

Fergie: ahh.. rough trade

agent007: hmmm not really...they're sooo nice in Canadaï¿½not used to that

Fergie: HAha..megnomenon & I used to rock out across the northern boarder... they're super nice, eh?

agent007: I don't think I got a single attitude-ey look, not that I noticed anyway

Fergie: last time we were there (mind, you before I moved to LA, think 90s, but still) it was cold, so we sauntered/rolled into a bar... and they had a giant coat rack!
Fergie: everyone just piled their coats on top of one another & nothing got taken

agent007: whuuuuuuuuuuut

Fergie: 'NOTHINï¿½ GOT TAKEN' ...lol... that's Ohio speak for ya

agent007: lol... well... the actual black & blue event supposedly had thousands... it wasn't quite like that

Fergie: oohh.. so it was like ..a dozen coat racks?

agent007: it was in an Olympic stadium... Iï¿½d definitely believe thousands, lol

Fergie: ok, so that leads to me the Joke of the day... stop me if you've heard this one... top aids tell Dubya that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed by the terrorists...
Fergie: ...the president freezes in place, mouth agape (you know, the usual "if you put your ear to mine u can hear the ocean" face of his)...
Fergie: ...he sits down...
Fergie: ...puts his head in his hands...
Fergie: ...then, after a moment, looks up with his famous glazed expression...
http://www.dubyaspeak.com/himself.phtml?year=2003 - ï¿½I'm the master of low expectationsï¿½--Dubya: aboard Air Force One, Jun. 4, 2003
Fergie: ...and asks...wait, how many is a Brazilian?

agent007: ah-heeheeheehee

Fergie: I canï¿½t take credit, but Iï¿½ve sure as hell been telling it like its mine

agent007: I haven't heard it, for all I know you did...and Iï¿½m sure u added flair!

Fergie: thatï¿½s where my drama club days come in handy...so, wait, are you still in the land of the leaf?

agent007: home

Fergie: oh Canada! ... ... memories, oh! Here I go... flashback sequence...

agent007: never been...Montrï¿½al was clean and beautiful, although a little chilly this time of year, and it rained a little

Fergie: yah, its kinda weathery up there

agent007: was nice to get back to sunnyLA.. but I find myself missing it :-)

Fergie: glitter & I dreamed of moving up there...but only b/c itï¿½s legal to drink & gamble @ 19

agent007: kinda loses the point when we're old enough

Fergie: well... we were 19... so it all made sense @ the time
Fergie: I think they should put age restrictions on more things...that way, getting older would be funner
Fergie: like, you can legally buy & smoke pot @ 25

agent007: heh

Fergie: you can shoot one person dead @ 55
Fergie: stuff like that

agent007: that's just evil!

Fergie: it would really give me reason to go on...not to mention, some of these idiot fucktards living among us have it coming!
Fergie: AND ï¿½ if, at 55, there's someone Iï¿½m (currently or still) so p.o.'d at that I shoot to kill... they totally deserve it! ï¿½before you consider all that, though, remember...I stopped 'getting older' a few years ago (adopting the Hollywood perma-age of 25) - now it's catching up to me, and even though I could easily get away with it, I will fully admit to 30 ï¿½ when it happens ï¿½ and once atop my maturity throne, Iï¿½ll remain "30" for the next few years (like, the next 25)...then Iï¿½ll turn it over to 31 & see how long I can still hold it. Basically, I ain't gonna live to see "55" because Iï¿½ll be in my 70s by the time Iï¿½m 40

agent007: technically, though, youï¿½d still turn 55ï¿½and, you are a freak

Fergie: true & yesï¿½but my defense for putting a cap in someoneï¿½s ass would be to reveal my actual age!!

agent007: so vanity stops you from being a killer

Fergie: only in the world where you can legally kill someone @ 55

12:01 p.m. - Oct. 13, 2005

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foam party

GlitterQueen: oh, honey... Palmolive? You didn't really do that, did you?

Fergie: ... ... ...yes
Fergie: I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING ALL THE WAY FROM OHIO!!!

GlitterQueen: Laughing
GlitterQueen: My
GlitterQueen: Fucking
GlitterQueen: Ass
GlitterQueen: Off

Fergie: I only used a teeny, tiny, little bit... and then there was a fuckin' foam party in my kitchen

GlitterQueen: omfg......Jesus I love you

Fergie: well let me tell you, my kitchen is CLEAN - every single inch sparkles like never before!

4:44 p.m. - Oct. 12, 2005

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Yes I Did & Yes I Am

Yes I Did & Yes I Am

Itï¿½s only a few checkmarks on the calendar until payday, which means Iï¿½m completely flat fucking broke. Now, when some people complain that they donï¿½t have any money, they mean their bank account is running low. After a fast and furious round of bounced checks over the summer, I no longer have a bank account. It was, like, totally unintentional. Financial institutions, Iï¿½ve discovered, can make acceptable accounting errors. Their customers, on the other hand, are treated like degenerate criminals if every red cent isnï¿½t immediately paid back with interest and penalty charges in a single billing cycle. Just try making a deposit for less than whatï¿½s owed, and watch how quickly the debt is turned over to a collection agency. That said, I think itï¿½s pretty clear my version of being broke means Iï¿½m down to loose change.

Donï¿½t get out the violin just yet, dear reader. I know how to play this game. The bills are paid, rent was on time, and Iï¿½ve stocked just enough food both at home and office to get me by for the rest of the week. The basics are always covered. Itï¿½s the little things that get me, and those can ï¿½ and often does ï¿½ incite me to act out in really big stupid ways.

Tonight was a perfect example of the madness that threatens to consume me. Iï¿½ve been staring at what amounts to an overflowing dishwasher since Friday, when I loaded the damn thing before realizing we were out of detergent. I basically had a choice between clean dishes or a quarter tank of gas to get me to work this morning. Of course I was on empty, I paid rent and all my bills last week, who the hell can keep their tank full these days even if they don't live from check to check?

Without cash to purchase any detergent, I returned home to a stinky sink. Enough! There was plenty of liquid soap to get the job done, but if youï¿½ve been paying attention then you know not a single surface was cleaned by hand. Iï¿½m so far removed from the idea of manual labor it didnï¿½t even occur to me.

Yes, did put Palmolive in the dishwasher. Yes, I am still cleaning it up.

10:01 p.m. - Oct. 10, 2005

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new (to me) boxy DELL

New Computer

Yea for my new computer! I love the Whore, she's my favorite.

If any of you dear readers noticed a little dip in entries, it's because old compooper finally crapped out. New (to me) boxy DELL arrived at my office Monday via the magic of ebay. Please take a moment of silence with kitty and I as we remember the good times with old compooper.

(kitty & ol' compooper caught boozin' back in the day)

2:01 a.m. - Oct. 05, 2005

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October-05

Back to School

Fergie: so there's this really cute boy in my class who always sits next to me, right? well, he sat directly in front of me during our last class and all i could think about for three hours was licking the back of his neck

thaiboi: LOL-! oh wes... if you were in my class i'd say the same thing

Fergie: and i'd actually let you lick me

thaiboi: i HAVE licked you

Fergie: not lately

4:20 p.m. - Oct. 04, 2005

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